


There is a better world between the pages

by sunnylil



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anorexia, Cerebral Palsy, Cutting, Disability, Flat mates, Love, M/M, Romance, bookstore, he can walk but not good so he uses a wheelchair but i'll explain everything later, nonbinary joly, there is a dog, wheelchair!courf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-12
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-03-12 02:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 22,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3339803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnylil/pseuds/sunnylil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jehan and Grantaire are flat mates and they try to balance their life between mental illness and everything else. Jehan begins to work in Combeferre's book shop and he meets Courfeyrac. They fall in love and everything could be perfect. But love doesn't cure mental illness and life is a battle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Today's the day

**Author's Note:**

> Jehan has an eating disorder. Please take care <3
> 
> I'm not a native speaker sorry for any mistakes.

As soon as Jehan opens his eyes, excitement rushes through his veins. “Today’s the day,” he mumbles and rubs his eyes.

The kitchen is empty, so Grantaire must be asleep. It’s only 9 am, and Jehan didn’t expect him to be awake -- but he needs somebody to talk. He knocks at his flat mate’s door, who answers with a very grumpy “What?!” 

Jehan opens the door and smiles at R, who is buried under three blankets, with only his black curls showing. “Today’s the day!” he exclaims.

R pulls back the blankets and looks at his friend. “What day?” 

Jehan shoots him a disappointed look. “The interview at that book shop. I told you.” 

“Oh, right.” He rubs his eyes and tries to smile apologetically, “That day. So… Good luck?” 

“No advice for me?” 

“Don’t be too weird?” 

“Seriously, R? That’s great advice. Thank you!” Jehan says sarcastically as he slams the door.

“Come on, I’m hung over,” he hears R call out to him. 

“You’re always hung over or drunk. That’s no excuse.” Jehan doesn’t wait for an answer or an apology and heads to the bathroom to take a shower.

When Jehan comes back into the kitchen, Grantaire is up and making breakfast. “I’m not hungry,” Jehan says.

“You have to eat something, Jehan, or you’ll faint. That’s not a good start for a new job.” Jehan really isn’t hungry -- and that has totally nothing to with the fact that he’s gained a pound since yesterday. “Breakfast is important,” explains R, as if Jehan wouldn’t know that. He hands him a plate with scrambled eggs and Jehan stares at it like it’s the most disgusting food he’s ever seen. 

“I’m not hungry,” he repeats. 

R just gives him a look. “Eat!” 

“That’s so not helpful, y’know,” he mumbles and slowly, he pierces a piece of egg with his fork. 

“There you go,” Grantaire makes a satisfied noise and goes back to the counter to make himself coffee. “You’ll get that job. I believe in you and my fingers are crossed. You can do it. Okay?”

**

Jehan is too early, but he doesn’t mind. After he locks the bicycle, he looks at the shop window. Besides the current best-seller, there are a few fantasy books and a biography of Victor Hugo. Show windows of regular bookshops are full of copies of  Fifty shades of grey  these days, but that’s not a regular bookshop. Jehan found it shortly after he moved to Paris. He doesn’t like these big bookshops with their harsh lighting and music playing in the background. He prefers these where you can actually smell the books and it’s so quiet you can hear your footsteps. And this one is a shop, where you can hear your steps and no one interrupts you when you just want to take a look. When he saw that the owner, a tall man with brown hair and black glasses, was looking for an assistant, he was over the moon.

He enters the shop through the ground-level entrance, and a bell rings as soon as he opens the door. The shop owner smiles at him and Jehan takes a deep breath. He isn’t that good at talking -- and he isn’t good at job interviews either. “Uhm…Hi. I’m…I’m Jehan and I’m here for the job interview”, he says and smiles shyly. 

“Right. I’m Combeferre, the owner. I’ve seen you here before.” Jehan nods. “Let’s go to the office. Would you like some tea?”

Thirty minutes later Jehan has signed a contract. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then,” Combeferre says, shaking his hand. 

And Jehan leaves the book shop with a big smile.

**

When he comes home Grantaire is at work. He texts him that he got the job and sighs at the sight of unwashed dishes from breakfast.

Grantaire and Jehan moved in together a year ago. They went to the same school and after they’d graduated they decided to share a flat, because they both wanted to get the hell away from their parents. And it works. Jehan has no clue how it works, but it somehow does.

After he cleans their kitchen he goes to his room and turns on his laptop. He needs to know everything about the current bestsellers, even if he doubts that anyone who comes into that bookshop wants a mainstream book. Combeferre told him that he gets discount on the book he purchases and Jehan can’t wait to buy new books. His room is filled with books, but in his opinion you can never read enough.

“I’m home,” calls Grantaire, with a slam of the apartment door. “I brought Champagne. We have to celebrate.” 

Jehan bites his lip. “Celebrating sounds great, but-“ 

“No, don’t argue with me. You’re going to drink one glass. Period.” 

Jehan sighs but smiles and stands up to follow R into the kitchen. They don’t have a living room – rent in Paris is so expensive -- but they’re totally fine with using the kitchen as living room. Neither of them likes to watch TV, so they haven’t even bothered to buy one. 

“So,” R hands him a champagne flute, “Congrats. I knew it.” 

Jehan blushes and sips. “How was work?” 

R sighs and shakes his head. “How about watching a movie?” he asks instead of answering his question, “We could order some food.” 

“Movie sounds great. No food for me, though. I’ve already eaten.” Grantaire raises one eyebrow and Jehan can tell that he doesn’t believe him, but he doesn’t care. Grantaire knows that Jehan has had an eating disorder since he was seventeen and that he tries his best, but he also knows that it won’t help to argue with him about it. The arguments happen, though -- as often as they argue about Grantaire’s drinking habits.

Jehan feels dizzy. He has only eaten breakfast and now he drank champagne, which isn’t the best combination. Grantaire orders pizza and then they go to Grantaire’s room, where he turns on his laptop.

“What about  The book thief ?”, Jehan asks as he sits down on R’s bed. 

Grantaire grimaces. “What? Don’t you think a movie about books-“ 

“That movie isn’t about books. I mean…not really. The main plot is the friendship between Max and-“ 

“It  is  about books. And World War II.  And  Max. But it  is  about books.” 

“Yeah whatever. It’s your day, so you can choose.  The book thief,  it is.”

R’s pizza arrives and Jehans stomach grumbles when the smell fills the bedroom. One piece won’t kill him. To celebrate and stuff. It won’t. He takes it and begins to eat. Out of the corner of his eyes he sees Grantaire smiling. But as soon as he has finished it, he knows: It will kill him. Or at least the voice in his head won’t stop telling him how disgusting he is until he falls asleep. He sighs and tries to focus on the movie.


	2. Sure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jehan and Courfeyrac meet for the first time.  
> ~  
> He isn’t in love with Courfeyrac… But he is in that guy is very cute and I may fall in love – at first sight.

t’s Jehan’s third day at the book shop -- and he really likes working here. There aren’t many customers, so he gets to spend most of the time in the office drinking tea and debating with Combeferre about books. Combeferre likes books as much he does and it’s nice to have someone to chat about that kind of stuff. (It’s not that Grantaire doesn’t like books, but he thinks there are more important things in the world.)

Jehan has already met one of his co-workers: a red haired, freckled guy who works part-time at the book shop and part-time as a barista at Starbucks. His name’s Feuilly and he seems to be really nice: he likes to read fantasy books and knows everything about Harry Potter, more than that bit of knowledge everybody seems to have.

It’s already getting dark outside -- and the shop is about to close in twenty minutes -- when Jehan hears the bell and leaves the office to see who is there. At first he doesn’t see anyone -- he needs to go around the counter to see him. He stands between the counter and the table with the bestsellers and looks out of the window.

"Hi. Can I help you somehow?” The man in the wheelchair looks at him and smiles. He has the brightest smile Jehan has ever seen. There are wrinkles around his eyes and it lights up his whole face, no, the whole room.

“No, thank you. I’m just waiting for ‘Ferre.”

“Uh, yeah. I’ll call him…?”

“That’s not necessary. Thanks.”

Jehan’s mother told him not to stare at people in wheelchairs -- but he couldn’t help it. And he isn’t staring because of the wheelchair -- he is wondering how can someone can be so handsome.

The man rubs his nose and looks at his phone, which has been lying in his lap. “You okay?” he asks and Jehan realizes that he’s been staring for at least a minute. “Oh yeah. Sure. Sorry.”

Combeferre walks out of the office. “Hey Courf. Give me 10, then we can go.” “Sure.” “Jehan, that’s Courfeyrac, a friend of mine. Courf, that’s the new assistant I told you about.” “Nice to meet you,” Courf smiles, again.

Jehan tries not to stare at his mouth like some idiot and shakes his hand. “The pleasure is mine.”

“Jehan, could you please lock the office?”

“Sure.”

They are already outside when he comes back, so he switches the lights off and follows them.

“You could come with us.”

“Courf, he doesn’t even know what you’re talking about. But you’re right. Jehan, are you interested in changing the world?”

Jehan tries to look not too confused. “Eeh…sure.”

Courfeyrac bursts into laughter. “That poor boy has no clue what we want from him. We’re so rude.” He gets serious. “We are part of a group, Les Amis de l’ABC. And…”

Jehan tries to focus on Courfeyrac’s explanation what their group does, but he fails. A black curl of Courf’s hair keeps falling into his eyes and he tries to put it back at least three times, before he gives up.

“So, do you wanna come?”

“Not tonight, I’m sorry. My flat mate, Grantaire, is waiting for me -- we want to go to the gym together.”

“No worries,” Combeferre puts the keys into his backpack, “We meet every Friday. You can join us anytime.”

Jehan smiles and blushes. “Thank you. Have a fun… or whatever.”

“Thanks. See you.” Courf waves at him and Jehan turns towards his bike, so he doesn’t see them anymore.

On the way home he tries to count how often he’d said sure. Too often, definitely.

**

“Do you believe in love at first sight?,” he asks Grantaire while they are on their way to the gym. He isn’t in love with Courfeyrac… But he is in _that guy is very cute and I may fall in love_ – at first sight.

“Why are you asking me that?”

He shrugs. “Dunno. Answer me.”

“No, I don’t. Love in general is very … complicated.” Probably Grantaire isn’t the best one to talk to about that kind of stuff. “Something happened. Tell me. I can see it in your eyes,” R grins.

Jehan blushes. “A friend of Combeferre, my boss, picked him up today after work. He’s called Courfeyrac. And he’s … cute.”

“The way you just said cute I can tell you’re about to fall in love with him.”

“I’ve seen him _once_.” “So what? He’s a friend of the book guy, I’m sure you’ll see him more often.” Jehan sighs and mutters, “Probably.”

“Have you already written a poem about him?” Jehan throws the shirt he was about to put on after him. “Shut up!” R laughs. “So you _have_.”

He doesn’t answer, but his ears turn red.

R slams the locker door. “Enough talk about love stuff. Let’s work out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for kudos and comments, I appreciate it a lot! :)  
> Also thanks to Suzi for beta-ing.
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr at proufeyrac.tumblr.com


	3. That sport person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> R fights his demons. Jehan and Courfeyrac meet again.
> 
> (I'm bad at summaries I'm very sorry.)
> 
> TW self harm, blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Yes there IS more! :) But every chapter has to be edited, because I'm not a native speaker, so it can take a bit longer.  
> Thank you very much for your comments and kudos, it means the world to me! 
> 
> xxx  
> (Oh and make sure to check out the tags every now and then, because I sometimes add a few!)

“Fuck. Jehan!”

 

It’s Sunday night. Jehan hadn’t seen Courfeyrac yesterday, although he had been at work for 8 hours. He won’t come by every day. Stop thinking about him.

 

He needs a second to orient himself.

 

“Damn it JEHAN!”, Grantaire’s shouting from the bathroom and Jehan gets up, panic rushing through his veins.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asks, but as soon as he enters the room, he knows it. Grantaire’s thigh is covered with blood and it doesn’t stop. “What the-“

 

Grantaire looks at him in total panic. “I think I fucked up. It’s been bleeding for five minutes already. It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t stop, Jehan! Do something!”

 

Grantaire sits on the edge of the bathtub, dressed in shirt and boxer shorts. He tries to cover the wound with one hand, but it doesn’t help. A blood covered razor blade lays on the floor. Jehan takes a towel and presses it to the wound. “We need to go to the hospital, R.”

 

“Shut up. You’re talking.”

 

Jehan looks at him and tries to give him a calming look.

 

“We need to go. They won’t keep you. I promise.”

 

Actually, he doesn’t know if they’ll keep him in the psych ward, but he won’t tell him that. Grantaire looks scared and Jehan has never seen him scared before, so he’s scared too.

 

“Wait a minute.” He goes to his room and takes a belt to fix the towel. “Here, I brought your sweatpants. Put them on.”

 

“Jehan, I really don’t want to-“

 

“You have to. Period.”

 

Three hours later they are on their way home again. The doctor, a med student, didn’t even mention the psych ward.

 

“You scared me,” Jehan whispers as they get home and Grantaire goes straight to his room.

 

“I know. I’m sorry, Jehan. I … I was scared, too.”

 

“You’re alright now?”

 

Grantaire smiles weakly, standing in front of his room. “Yes, thank you. Good night.”

 

Jehan goes up to him and places a kiss on his best friend’s cheek. “I love you, R.”

 

“I know. I mean, I love you, too. Good night.”

 

Jehan almost falls asleep on his way to work. He takes the train, and it’s pouring outside. He has a four hour shift today and no clue how to survive it. Besides his very strong desire to sleep, he’s worried about R. When he left, his friend was asleep and there were two bottles of wine next to his bed. Empty.

 

He survives the first hour. Combeferre isn’t in the shop, so he’s on his own and sits in the office and drinks lots of black tea.

 

It’s almost noon when the bell rings for the second time that day. Jehan groans as quietly as possible, yawns and gets up.

 

As soon as he sees the black curls, he freezes and his stomach twists. _Why today?_ he thinks. He must look like he hasn’t slept in days, like a total mess. Why must he meet him again today?

 

“Hi,” Courfeyrac smiles at him.

 

“Hey. Combeferre isn’t here.”

 

“Oh, I know. I like to spend my lunch break here -- it’s a lot more comfortable than the cafeteria at college.” He points at his lunch box.

 

Who comes to a bookstore to _eat_? Jehan thinks.“Okay. So, um, you’re a student?” he asks, although the answer seems obvious..

 

Courfeyrac opens the box. “Yes, I am indeed. Law. What about you? Do you go to college?”

 

Jehan blushes and stares at the floor. “No, I work here. That’s it.”

 

Usually, after he says that people ask him why he doesn’t go to college --but Courfeyrac just nods.

“So you like books?”

 

It’s the most ridiculous conversation ever, Jehan thinks. If he didn’t like books, he wouldn’t work here.But Jehan smiles. He loves books and he loves to talk about them and he finally feels a bit more confident again. “Yes, I do. I love them. I actually do write myself, too.” As soon as he finishes the last sentence, he blushes again in embarrassment.

 

Courfeyrac looks surprised, “You do? So, what do you write? Are you famous?” Is he making fun about him? But he does look genuinely interested.

 

“Poetry, mostly.” He skips the question about his fame. Actually, the only one who gets to read his poetry is R.

 

“Cool,” Courf has finished his sandwich and Jehan is pretty sure he’ll leave now. But he doesn’t. “What’s your favorite book?” he asks instead.

 

“I don’t have a favorite one,” Jehan admits. “I like a lot of books. It’s difficult to pick one. What about you?” He leans against the counter.

 

“I quite like _A Song Of Ice And Fire,_ but I’m not really a reading person. I’m more of a sports person.”

 

Jehan really doesn’t want to look confused. He really doesn’t. Of course he’s heard of the Paralympic games and stuff. But when Courf says it, he does look confused for a second. After that second – which he really regrets afterwards – he smiles. “Yeah? What kind of sport?”

 

“I used to swim, but I switched to rugby three years ago. You should come and see a game. We actually do have one next week-end.”

 

Before Jehan can answer that he’d love to see him (though rugby sounds rough and he isn’t very a sport person himself, but he just invited him), the bell rings and Combeferre comes in.

“Hey, you two. Um… Courf… You _do_ realize that your lunch break was over ten minutes ago, right?”

 

Courf looks at his watch in surprise and mumbles, “Shit. I have Javert now. He hates it when you’re late.” Then he smiles at Jehan, while he stuffs his lunch box into his blue bag. “It was very nice to chat with you, Jehan. So you’re coming to my game?”

 

“Uh… I don’t know? Actually I’m afraid I have to work.”

 

“Yeah, I need someone here so _I_ can watch it,” Combeferre nods.

 

“Alright, then. I really have to go now. See you soon, Jehan.”

 

Combeferre goes into the office -- while Jehan just stands there and stares after that _sport person_.


	4. The café

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jehan asks R to go to a meeting of Les Amis with him. He agrees.

 

R and Jehan are sitting in the kitchen and drink coffee and tea respectively. It’s Thursday morning and Jehan hasn’t talked about Courfeyrac yet -- which he thinks isan accomplishment. Since their conversation on Monday he hasn’t stopped talking about him, saying things like “He asked me things. That means he likes me, right?” and “He invited me. Can you believe that?” followed by “It was probably just small talk. Probably he talks to everyone likes this.”.

 

“Do you have to work tomorrow night?” Jehan takes a sip out of the _Lilo & Stitch_ cup R got him for Christmas and avoids looking at him, because if he does, he’ll blush.

 

“I don’t think so. Why?”

 

“I did tell you about Les Amis, right?”

 

“Yes, you did. That group your boy is in.”

 

“He isn’t my boy. How did you even… Anyway, yes. And could you … Can you please go with me? I don’t want to go alone. I don’t know them, well, not really and-“

 

“Hey,” R interrupts him and touches his arm gently, “You don’t have to explain. I’ll go with you.”

 

“R?” Grantaire is about to leave the kitchen, when Jehan stops him, “How is your thigh?”

 

“It’s all right. It’s healing pretty fast, so yeah. It’s alright.” He doesn’t look him in the eye and Jehan feels that he’s ashamed. So he’s not gonna hold a speech about injury care, instead he gives him a, hopefully supporting, smile.

 

“Good.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

~

 

Grantaire wants to pick him up after work so they can walk with Courfeyrac and Combeferre to the cafe where the meeting takes place.

 

Jehan looks at his watch every five minutes and he’s relieved that there aren’t many customers. In fact, he starts to wonder how the hell Combeferre can manage the bookshop when there aren’t enough customers.

 

He isn’t just nervous because he gets to see Courfeyrac again. There will be many people he doesn’t know. Jehan isn’t good at introducing himself, or with new people in general. He needs security, with well-known structures and no surprises.

 

Grantaire arrives before Courfeyrac. “You look like an over-excited bird.”

 

Jehan runs his hand through his hair for the third time in the last five minutes and decides to ignore Grantaire’s comment. Instead he introduces him to Combeferre.

 

“You’re the flat mate and gym partner,” Combeferre shakes his hand and R nods with a grin.

 

They turn around when the bell rings and Courfeyrac comes in, his hoodie soaked from the rain.

“Hi guys.”

 

“Jehan has decided he wants to join us tonight. He actually recruited his flat mate, too,” Combeferre says.

 

Courfeyrac smiles and pulls of his hood. His curls are pressed against his head and every other second a raindrop falls down. “That’s great news! Enjolras is going to be thrilled.”

 

Jehan walks beside Courfeyrac while Combeferre and Grantaire walk in front. Courfeyrac starts the conversation before he can even worry about it.

 

“Feuilly is there, too. I think you know him, right?”

 

“Yes, we’ve worked already together. He’s a nice guy.”

 

Courfeyrac nods. “You said that you have so many favorite books, you can’t pick one. But tell me about one of them. I heard one’s favorite book says a lot about their personality.”

 

Jehan thinks for a moment. “I can’t remember the name. It’s about a girl, who lives with her brother and her father in a country house, far from others. Her mom died early. And they have, like, super powers. With books. And then her dad gets shot and she has to fight and… stuff. Sorry I’m not good with summaries.” He blushes. He’s way too excited to construct proper sentences.

 

The pathway becomes too narrow, so he walks behind him and Courf has to raise his voice a bit. “Sounds good, though. Are there any creatures? Like dragons?”

 

“I don’t think there were dragons, but there were so called Exlibris. They had to leave their books and are outlawed in the real world. For example, Puck from Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

 

“Do you like Shakespeare?”

 

“Yes, definitely.”

 

They cross a road. “There we are.”

 

It’s a white painted small building, and from what Jehan can see through the window, it’s very cozy inside.

 

When he sees two steps in front of the door, he frowns. There has to be a second entrance for Courfeyrac. But Courfeyrac gets in front of the door and looks at him questioningly. He must have asked him something.

 

“Sorry, what?” “I asked you, what your favorite work of Shakespeare is.”

 

But before he can answer, someone opens the door and shouts “You’ve brought new recruits. That’s very good.”

 

Combeferre looks at the man, who reminds Jehan of a bear, and answers quietly: “Don’t call them recruits, Bahorel. These are Jehan and Grantaire. That’s Bahorel.”

 

“Jehan! The shop assistant!”

 

 _How many people has Combeferre told about him?_ Jehan blushes, but smiles. “Hi.”

 

“Are you gonna stand there forever or can we come in?” Courfeyrac asks.

 

“Oh right.”

 

But Bahorel doesn’t get out of the door; he just takes a step back and holds it open with his foot, while he shouts into the café: “We have new members, guys!”

 

Courfeyrac sighs as if he’s annoyed by Bahorel, but he smiles.

 

He opens his seat belt and slides at the edge of his chair, then he positions his feet at the bottom and gets up. He clasps the door frame and goes up to the first step. It’s slow and it looks like his balance isn’t the best.

 

Jehan realizes that he’s staring and he turns to R who stands beside him, an unimpressed look on his face. Jehan remembers that R’s little sister has Spina Bifida and went to a school for kids with disabilities, so he’s probably used to the fact that not everyone who uses a wheelchair cannot walk at all.

 

“Uh, you’re gonna behave yourself tonight, right?”

 

“What do you mean with _behave_?”

 

“I don’t know. Don’t get into a fight and stuff.”

 

R rolls his eyes. “Yes, dad.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Courfeyrac has entered the café and greets Bahorel with a handshake. Combeferre follows him with his wheelchair and places it in a corner. R and Jehan follow him.

 

“Hey. Do you guys want something to drink?” Bahorel asks them. Jehan nods and asks for a glass of water, while Grantaire orders a beer.

 

Meanwhile Courfeyrac walks towards a group of armchairs, where a few more young men are sitting.

 

Jehan can’t help but watch him. His feet are a bit turned inwards and he doesn’t lift them as much as a nondisabled person would, but he walks faster than Jehan would have expected.

 

“I’m gonna introduce you to the others,” Combeferre offers and they follow Courf. Feuilly greets Jehan with a big smile and Combeferre points at the other men, while Jehan tries to memorize their names.

 

After Combeferre’s finished he sits down in an armchair beside of Courfeyrac, who talks to a guy with curly, blond hair, who’s called Enjolras, if Jehan does remember correctly. Grantaire talks to Bahorel and judging by their laughter, he is enjoying it.

 

“Do you like our little café?” Apparently the conversation between Courfeyrac and Enjolras is over. Jehan nods.

 

Courf frowns, “Are you alright? You like a bit pale.”

 

“Oh, I’m fine. Don’t worry.” His last meal was breakfast and he feels dizzy, but he doesn’t care. Courf looks like he doesn’t believe him, but he doesn’t ask any further. “What exactly are you doing here?” Jehan asks.

 

“Tonight we’re gonna plan a rally against racism. That sort of stuff.”

 

“Sounds pretty cool.”

 

They talk the whole evening, until R starts a discussion with Enjolras and it almost turns into a fight. Jehan doesn’t know what it is about, but they both look really pissed when Combeferre finally tells them to stop.

 

“I think it’s better when we go now,” Jehan says, looking after Grantaire, who stormed out of the café.

 

“Okay. See you next week?”

 

Jehan shrugs. “I think so.”

 

“Here,” Courfeyrac hands him a piece of paper and smiles, “See you then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your support! <3
> 
> The book Jehan talks about is "Seiten der Welt" from Kai Meyer, I don't think it's been translated into another language yet.


	5. C.O.U.R.F.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jehan sees the only video on Courf's Youtube channel and it explains a lot.

Grantaire doesn’t talk on their way home and Jehan knows him well enough not to bother. As soon as he is alone in his room, he takes the piece of paper Courfeyrac gave him. He thought it would be his phone number. It is, but there is also something written in messy handwriting: YouTube C.O.U.R.F. Jehan frowns and opens his laptop.

 

Apparently Courfeyrac has a YouTube Channel, but there is only one video. Jehan clicks Play and sits back, trying to control his excitement.

 

Courfeyrac sits on a sofa, in the left corner is a big poster of Game Of Thrones. He winks into the camera and smiles his Courfeyrac smile. Jehan’s stomach flips.

 

_Hey, kings and queens and everything in betweens! I’m Courfeyrac, what you probably already know, and this is an explanation video!  If you had the ultimate pleasure to meet me, you know that I’m a part time wheelchair user and you may have asked yourself “Why is that?!” Don’t fear, I’m gonna explain it to you_.

 

Suddenly he gets serious and the overexcited, childish tone in his voice disappears, but he’s still smiling.

 

_I was born three months premature and because of a lack of oxygen I have cerebral palsy. That means basically that the connection between my brain and my legs and my arms doesn’t work properly. But I’m lucky because it’s rather mild: my hands are less severely affected then my legs and I can walk. However, it’s pretty exhausting to walk -- that’s why I’m using a wheelchair most of the time. And my fine motor skills suck. Also don’t take it personally when you touch me and I jump. It has nothing to do with you. That’s it! I’m happy to answer any questions you may have. Have an amazing day. Courf out._

 

Jehan really likes that idea. It’s a lot less embarrassing and he knows that he probably had never asked him about his disability – his mother taught him not to. He turns off his laptop, grabs his phone and goes to the bed. A few seconds he stares at his phone, before he decides to text Courfeyrac, his heart pounding against his chest.

 

_You’d be a very good vlogger._

 

It takes not even one minute before he has an answer.

 

_You think? Naah I’m too crazy for the world._

 

They text over an hour and Jehan blushes about every five minutes, but he isn’t sure if he’s really flirting with him or not. Either way, Courfeyrac makes him laugh and that’s something not many people can manage.

 

**

When Jehan wakes up, he doesn’t smile. You would expect that the fact that Courf has sent him a message, would make him smile.

 

_Good morning! I hope you have a great day at work. ‘Ferre won’t be there so it must be good cause you can do nothing. I’ll text you when we’re at the café._

 

But he doesn’t smile. Instead he stares at the screen with a blank expression and tries to feel at least something. He fails. There’s just a familiar feeling of numbness. He doesn’t even have the power to text him back. He knows that Courf’s going to see that he’s read the text, but he can’t think of a good message.

 

He skips breakfast.

 

Combeferre is waiting for him when gets at the book shop. “I have to go now or I’ll be late. You’re sure you can manage the shop on your own?”

 

Combeferre has asked him before and his answer hasn’t changed. He forces himself to smile. “Yes, I am. And I’ll call you when there’s a thief or something. Now go and have fun. And say hi to the others.” It’s not like he hasn’t been on his own in the book shop before, but not for a whole day.

 

As soon as Combeferre leaves, Jehan makes a cup of tea – the third one for today. He stands in front of the bookshelf with the fantasy books and tries to decide what he’s gonna do in the next few hours. He has two options: Either he spends the time trapped with his not very positive thoughts, or he reads and escapes to a better world. Before he really thinks about it, he reaches for A Game Of Thrones by George R.R. Martin.

 

Before he starts reading, he takes a photo of the book and sends it to Courfeyrac without any explanation.

 

When he stops reading for the first time it’s already 1 pm. His hands shake a little, so he decides to eat a rice waffle he brought from home. Courfeyrac is probably going to hate him, because he didn’t wish him good luck and sent such a crappy answer. He checks his phone, but there’s nothing. And if he doesn’t hate him now, he’s going to hate him as soon as he gets to know him better.

 

But eventually he gets an answer -- and it doesn’t seem like Courf hates him.

 

_An excellent book choice. Hope you enjoy it. We won btw. See you at the café?_

 

Jehan stares at his phone screen. At the one hand he really wants to see him, wants to talk to him (about the huge amount of deaths in his favourite book and if that says something about his personality?) but on the other hand he doesn’t feel like he’d be comfortable with the others. They are celebrating, it would be loud and not the right time to talk about books.

 

_Sorry, I’m not feeling well. Have fun._

 

It’s not a lie per se.

 

**

When Jehan comes home, the kitchen looks exactly like it did when he left in the morning.

 

“Grantaire?” He knocks at his bedroom door, his anxiety rising.

 

He didn’t check on him this morning like he usually does. And he hasn’t received a single text from him the whole day, which is a sign it's a really bad day.

 

A hum comes from the inside and Jehan opens the door. The room is dark and it takes a moment until his eyes can see Grantaire’s head.

 

“How are you?” He switches on the desk lamp and goes to his bed, avoiding the empty wine bottles at the floor.

 

Grantaire sounds hoarse. “I’m alright -- don’t worry about me. All is well.”

 

“Yeah, I can see that.” Jehan sits down on the bed and looks at him worried. “Have you eaten?”

 

R raises his eyebrows. “ _You_ are asking me if I have eaten?”

 

Jehan ignores the pain that pierces through his chest because of that. “Have you?”

 

Grantaire realizes his mistake and mumbles an apology. He sighs and admits that he has only eaten an yoghurt.

 

“Okay,” Jehan gets up again, “I’m gonna make us a soup. And then we’re gonna watch How To Train Your Dragon, alright?”

 

Grantaire nods. “Yes, sir.”

 

While he waits for the water to start boiling, he checks his phone.

 

_Get well soon. Hope we can see each other asap._

 

He bites his lip, but that doesn’t erase the huge smile on his face. He doesn’t hate him yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hey kings and queens and everything in betweens" is from a tweet Troye Sivan once made. 
> 
> Thanks for your support :)


	6. Cinnamon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "His hands are sweaty and his heart is pounding in his chest when he opens the door to the café. He had to ask Combeferre how to get there, because he’s never been on the campus. Courfeyrac is already there and he waves at him as soon as he catches his eyes."

When Jehan comes into the shop on Monday afternoon, there is a note for him.

  _Meet me after work in the café on campus. Ask Ferre if you don’t know where it is._

He recognizes Courfeyrac’s handwriting and pulls out his phone to text him. _Why didn’t you just text me?_

_So you’re coming?_

Jehan bites his lip, while he thinks about his answer. He feels better than Saturday. Grantaire had his day off yesterday and they spent the day watching Netflix. When he went to bed yesterday, it seemed like things could be okay again someday.

_Yes._

 

~

 

His hands are sweaty and his heart is pounding in his chest when he opens the door to the café. He had to ask Combeferre how to get there, because he’s never been on the campus. Courfeyrac is already there and he waves at him as soon as he catches his eyes.

 “Hey,” Jehan sounds breathless and he really hopes that his face isn’t as red as it feels like, “So, uh, congratulations.”

 “Congratulations?” Courfeyrac frowns, but then he understands. “Ah, the game. Yeah, thanks. We have another game in three weeks and this time you have to come. It’s a Sunday, so there’s no excuse.” Jehan smiles and nods. The waitress takes their order and after she leaves, there’s a moment of silence between them, which Jehan tries to ignore by staring at the wooden table.“Have you already written a poem today?” Courf takes his hand and looks at the ink stains on it.

 Jehan anticipates a mocking undertone in his voice, but there is none. He blushes and tries to ignore the butterflies in his stomach and the warmth of Courfeyrac’s hands. His skin is coarse but it’s not uncomfortable.

 It wasn’t exactly a poem what he scribbled into one of his notebooks two hours ago, it was just a verse about … him.

 “Uh, not exactly. But my pen is kinda shitty I guess.”

 “But I guess you don’t mind, hmm?” Courfeyrac smiles – damn it, these wrinkles are really cute. Jehan swallows and manages a “No.” The waitress brings their drinks – a latte macchiato for Courfeyrac and an Earl Grey for Jehan – and Courfeyrac lets go of his hand. Jehan instantly craves his warmth.  “So, law. Why?” It’s for the best he leaves the talking part to him, so he doesn’t make a complete fool out of himself.

 “Why what? Why I study law?” Courfeyrac stirs his drink and looks at Jehan with a light smile on his lips.

 “Yes.”

He shrugs. “Because my father wants me to? And he doesn’t bother me about my political activities as long as my grades are fine.” When he sees the disappointed look on Jehan’s face he adds quickly: “And I want to help people. That’s certainly not what my father wants, he wants me to become a top lawyer and get rich and make the family proud and blah blah blah.” He rolls his eyes.

 “Oh. Wrong topic?” Jehan sinks down a bit, he doesn’t want this to become awkward.

 “Nah, it’s all right. Just … Let’s talk about something else, okay? What’s your favorite movie?”

“Anonymous.”

 They talk about Shakespeare and it turns out that they both have been to the Globe in London: Jehan on a class trip and Courfeyrac when he was on holiday with Enjolras and Combeferre last year.

 “How long have you been friends with Enjolras and Combeferre?”

 “We met for the first time at lycée. So it’s been … six years.” Courf has to be at least 21, two years older than him. “They have the best pain au chocolate here by the way. Do you want some?” He already holds one hand up to ask for the waitress and Jehan tries to conceal his feelings at this very moment.

 On the one hand he’s really hungry; he hasn’t eaten since lunch break. But on the other hand pain au chocolate has a lot of calories, bad calories like sugar and fat – _chocolate_. He can eat when he gets home -- they have some plain yoghurt for sure.

 But before he can say something, Courfeyrac orders two pieces. “You must try it, it tastes like heaven.”Jehan smiles weakly and tries to calm the storm of feelings that’s raging inside of him. He’s not going to let his disorder ruin this date, he’s not going to listen to the voice which is telling him that he’s a piece of trash and he should go to the bathroom and puke.

 It looks really good and it already smells like heaven. Courfeyrac has almost eaten everything when Jehan convinces himself to take the first bite – and oh my goodness Courf didn’t lie.

 “They’re good, right,” Courfeyrac grins, chocolate in the corner of his mouth. Jehan stares at the chocolate, he could easily wipe it away with his finger and probably then they would kiss – isn’t that the way it always happens in the movies?

 “What? You are staring at me like I’m a unicorn or something,” Courf laughs and the moment is over.

 “You, um, you have some chocolate--” Jehan stutters and points at the corner of the other man’s mouth. “There.”

 “Thanks for telling me,” Courf wipes it away with his thumb and Jehan forces himself to look away.

 

~

 

“It was a really nice evening,” Courfeyrac says, pulling his hood over his head. They stand outside of the café and it’s freezing. Jehan begins to tremble and tries to hide it somehow.

 “Do you have a long ride home?” Courfeyrac frowns when he sees that he’s trembling.

 “It’s all right, don’t worry.” Jehan smiles and bends down to hug him. Courfeyrac smells like cinnamon and Jehan gets goose bumps. “Text me, when you got home safely.” It’s really hard for Jehan not to make an “Aaaawww” noise -- because how cute is _that_.

 “Are you coming on Friday?” Courfeyrac asks and before Jehan can think about it, he nods. Courfeyrac smiles. “Great. Can’t wait.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Uni starts tomorrow and I'm afraid I won't be able to upload as often as before, but I'll try to upload at least 1 chapter per week.
> 
> Again, a huge thank you for your support, it means the world to me.


	7. A realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jehan realises that he's in love.  
> Combeferre and Jehan have a conversation.

When Jehan comes home, he sits down at the kitchen table and opens his notebook. He wants to continue after this verse he’d written down earlier, but suddenly he cries.

 

The last few hours have been an emotional rollercoaster from ‘everything is perfect’ to ‘Courfeyrac is perfect but I’m far from perfect and everything is too difficult’. He can’t even name the feeling that made him cry. He doesn’t hear the front door open, so he jumps when Grantaire comes into the kitchen.

 

“Oh dear, did it go that badly?” R sits down next to him and gently touches his arm.

  
“What? No. It was wonderful.”

 

Grantaire frowns. “What’s the matter, then?”

“I’m in love, Grantaire.” “But that’s good, isn’t it?”

  
“No,” Jehan sobs, “It’s not. I mean, look at me.” He makes a gesture towards his hair, which is dull and brittle. Grantaire persuaded him to cut it off half a year ago

and it didn’t grow back very healthy -- and in the last few weeks it stopped growing at all. “Who would love me, anyway?”

 

“Okay, listen up. He gave you his phone number, right?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“You two had a date today and he asked you out, right?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“He already knows what you look like, right?” 

 

Jehan bites his lip and stops sobbing. “Yes, he does.” 

 

“All right. So, what on earth makes you think that he doesn’t like you? What makes you think that he’s not already in love with you?” Jehan remains silent and stares at the table. “Oh and by the way,” R adds, “I love you. And I’m  99 percent sure Courfeyracdoes too. Maybe it’s a little early to call it love, but he surely doesn’t hate you.”Jehan sniffles and raises an eyebrow, and R sighs. “I know, I don’t love you in a romantic way and that’s not the same. But who says that he doesn’t like you like you like him? We know that you two went on a date today and I think, that’s evidence enough.” 

 

“ You’re right. Sorry.” 

 

“No need to be, Jehan. I booked a room in the dance studio for tomorrow morning. Do you want to come with me?” 

 

Finally, Jehan smiles.

 

~

Jehan loves to watch when Grantaire’s dancing. It doesn’t happen often, because their flat is too small and it is too expensive to book a room in the studio very often, but when it happens, it’s like magic.

 

He sits down on a bench next to the stereo system and watches Grantaire warming up. 

 

“You know, I’ll come with you, when you want to go that meeting again on Friday,” R says, while he stretches his arm.

 

“Sure? It didn’t end so well last time, if you don’t remember.”

 

“I do remember, thanks. Yes, I’m sure. Only if you want to go again,” he smirks.

 

“That’s an unnecessary question.”

 

“I know,” R goes to the CD player and starts the music -- and as soon as he’s back in the middle of the room, it is like time stops and physical laws don’t exist.

 

“I still don’t understand why you don’t take lessons again,” Jehan murmurs when they leave the building. 

 

Grantaire rolls his eyes. “You know that lessons are fucking expensive, right? I could afford one lesson per month and that’s not much. That wouldn’t get me anywhere.”

 

Jehan sighs and puts his arm around his best friend’s shoulder, while they walk to the metro station. “I know. It’s just – You have so much talent and I feel like it’s wasted.”

 

“You’re seriously the most adorable human being, Jean Prouvaire. That’s not talent, that’s jumping around. But thank you, anyway.”

 

~

“Jehan, can I talk to you?” Combeferre has spent the whole morning in the office of the book shop and Jehan feels anxiety in his stomach, as his boss steps outside the small room. 

 

“Sure.” 

 

He follows him back into the office and takes a seat. He tries to think of something that went wrong. Yesterday an old lady stormed out of the shop, outraged because they didn’t have any books of Charlotte Link, but that really wasn’t his fault.

 

“It’s nothing about work,” Combeferre reassures him and Jehan relaxes a bit. The other takes off his glasses to clean them. “It’s about Courfeyrac.” 

 

Immediately Jehan feels tense. “Courfeyrac?!”

 

“Listen. I don’t know if he told you, but we’re really good friends. And… Courfeyrac hasn’t been in a relationship for a very long time.  He has kind of … slept around the last few years.”

 

Jehan feels his ears turn red. Is he really talking with his boss about the love life of his crush?

 

“But he really does like you,” Combeferre sighs with a smile. “He doesn’t shut up about you, actually. And that time he was here to eat his lunch – he’s never done that before. He wanted to spend time with you.”

 

Jehan can’t suppress a smile, while his heart seems to explode of joy.

 

“What I want to say is please don’t fuck it up. Don’t leave him as soon as things get difficult. Please.”

 

“I won’t. I promise.”

 

“Great,” Combeferre puts his glasses back on and smiles. “You can go home; I don’t need you here today.”

 

He likes me,  is theonly thought Jehan has while he cycles back home.

 

~

He doesn’t have to work on Friday afternoon, so he’s going to meet R in front of the café. Grantaire is already waiting for him, smoking.,

 

“Hey,” Jehan greets him with a hug. “I’m sorry, I fell asleep. Why didn’t you already go inside? It’s freezing.”

 

R winks with his cigarette and Jehan nods, understanding. “And I had a nice little chat with Bahorel, who had to leave for work. He boxes, too. Maybe we’ll go to the gym together someday.” He stamps out his cigarette and turns toward the door to open it -- when he freezes and springs back, as if he’d burned himself.

 

“Shit.”


	8. Sipping on red wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Jehan leans back and looks for R, who is playing kicker with Feuilly, Bahorel and Musichetta. A warm feeling rushes over him, seeing his friend happy. R catches his eye and smiles, raising his glass."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff for you! :)  
> Thanks to everyone who helped me with my little grammar problem! <3

“What’s the matter?” Jehan looks at his best friend in surprise.

Grantaire turns towards him, after he made sure that there is no one outside. “You remember the med student who stitched my thigh? He’s inside.”

“So what? I’m sure he won’t say anything, he’s not even allowed to.”

“Yeah, but he _knows_ and that’s bad enough. He’s gonna look at me with that pitiful glance and he’s gonna smile carefully and--” Grantaire rambles, not looking at Jehan.

“Hey, stop that. He won’t.” Jehan frowns -- and then he finally understands. “Not everyone is like them, R. I’m sure he won’t tell anyone. And if someone is going to know a bit more about you – I’m sure they won’t be like these idiots at school.” He gently touches his shoulder to calm him down, “You’ve seen them, they wouldn’t do something like they did. Please come inside.”

Before R can answer, the door to the café opens and Courf waves at them. Jehan winks at him, then turns to Grantaire. “I’m going. Don’t be silly and come with me.”

But when he walks towards the entrance, Grantaire doesn’t move.

Courfeyrac hugs him as soon as he enters the café and Jehan notices that he smells like cinnamon, like he did on Monday. “Is everything okay with Grantaire?”Jehan looks at the brown haired man who is standing next to Bahorel, laughing. Courf follows his gaze and frowns.“Joly? What about them?”

“Eh… I went to the emergency room with R a few days ago and he was the med student who, um, was on duty.” Jehan tries to avoid every hint about the reason of their trip to the hospital.

“They.”

“Pardon?” Jehan blinks in confusion.

“Joly’s preferred pronouns are they, them, their. They are non-binary. You said ‘he,’” Courfeyrac explains, “Joly probably doesn’t even remember that you were there. And, as far as I know, med students aren’t allowed to tell anyone anything about your medical conditions, like doctors.”

“I know,” Jehan sighs, “But R – he experienced some bad stuff with people who knew too much about him.”

They both look outside, where R smokes, his brow furrowed.

Courfeyrac shrugs. “He’s a grown man; it’s his decision in the end. I want you to meet some people.”

He introduces Jehan to Joly and their girlfriend Musichetta, who hugs him tightly.

The three of them have just sat down when Grantaire comes into the café, going straight to the bar to order a drink.

“Marius isn’t here yet, but--“, Courfeyrac doesn’t finish the sentence, because a freckled man greets him. “Oh okay, he’s here. I didn’t see him,” Courf laughs and Jehan smiles at Marius, who sits down on the other side of Courf. 

“How’s Cosette?” Courfeyrac ignores the fact that Enjolras has started to talk to the group.

Marius shrugs. “You tell me. Contrary to you, I haven’t seen her today. She’s very busy.”

“Oh yeah she is,” Courfeyrac laughs, “She complained at least 10 minutes about that paper she has to write.” Jehan looks at them in confusion and Courfeyrac bends towards him. Jehan feels his breath on his cheek and hopes that Courfeyrac doesn’t notice that he blushes. “Cosette is Marius’ girlfriend and my physical therapist. It’s kind of a funny story: without me, they’d never met each other.” But before Courf can tell him the story, they are interrupted by Enjolras.

“Could you please wait with your love stories until I have finished, thank you. Since Courfeyrac can’t join us at the rally next week, what is really a pity--“

“I don’t think it is. Not at all,” Courf shouts, beaming.

Enjolras pauses to smile at him. “We need someone who can help Feuilly to make posters. Anyone?”

“I’ll do it.” Jehan is surprised to hear Grantaire’s voice. “I don’t think that your rally-thing will change anything, but I kind of like to paint -- and poster making is something like that. o, yeah, I’ll do it.”

“I don’t want you to be involved, when--“ Enjolras starts, but Combeferre shakes his head with a stern expression, so Enjolras stops and sighs heavily. “Okay, thank you, Grantaire.”

Ten minutes later Enjolras is done, but before Courf can tell Jehan the story about Cosette and Marius, Joly asks Courfeyrac about his knuckle.

Courfeyrac looks at his right hand and Jehan sees that the now freshly healed skin had been scraped off.

“It’s fine. That balm you gave me is awesome.”

“What happened?” Jehan fights the urge to take his hand and touch the wound.

“Nothing. Just rugby,” Courf winks, before he rubs his eyes and murmurs, “I’m way too tired for 9 pm.”

Jehan leans back and looks for R, who is playing kicker with Feuilly, Bahorel and Musichetta. A warm feeling rushes over him, seeing his friend happy. R catches his eye and smiles, raising his glass.

His thoughts are interrupted by Bossuet, who almost trips over his feet, holding two glasses. “Sorry,” the man mumbles, giving one of the glasses to Courf, “Ferre told me to bring you this.” Courfeyrac shakes his head at Ferre with a light smile, who is sitting at the other end of the room with Enjolras, studying some papers. “He has his eyes everywhere.” He empties the glass with a few gulps and sighs. Bossuet plumps down on Joly’s lap.

“What was that?” Jehan points at the empty glass. On its bottom there is something white, what made Jehan curious. He actually thought it was just water.

“Magnesium, so I grow tall and strong,” Courf smirks. He gets up, adding, “Joly’s gonna explain it to you if you want. If you excuse me, if have a rally to plan.”

Joly looks at Courf in surprise when they hear their name -- they have been busy with Bossuet’s hair.

“What do you want me to explain?” they ask. “The many wonders magnesium can bring,” Courf answers, before heading over to the table where Enjolras and Combeferre are sitting.

Jehan half-listens to Joly’s explanation about the effect of magnesium on cramped muscles while he watches the conversation at the table. Courfeyrac doesn’t look very amused; he listens to Enjolras with a stern expression. As soon as Enjolras has finished, Courferyac says something -- but it’s apparently not that what the others want to hear, because both Enjolras and Ferre cut him off. Jehan doesn’t hear what they are talking about, but it has to be something important.

 

Suddenly the relaxed atmosphere is disrupted by a cry. R and Feuilly are high fiving each other, while Bahorel sinks down on his knees with a frustrated “Noooo!”

“I told you,” Grantaire shouts, then points at the bar. “Now go and get the next round.”


	9. A secret

Although it is already two am when they get home and Grantaire has to work in the morning, they sit down at the kitchen table and talk about the evening.

 

“JP, can you keep a secret?” Grantaire eyes Jehan, who just smiles at him instead of giving an actual answer. “I’m afraid that I’m in love,” Grantaire sighs, not caring how dramatic he sounds.

Jehan wraps his arms around him. “I know. I’m sorry, but it’s quite obvious. The way you look at him and the ‘I kind of like painting’ part. I mean, yes, you do, but… You want to impress him. And that’s not the R I know. You never want to impress people. So there must be something.”

“He hates me,” R leans his head against Jehan’s and suppresses a yawn. 

“He doesn’t,” Jehan voice is soft, while he strokes his best friend’s back. “Maybe you hadn’t should get into a fight with him the first time you met.” Grantaire wants to protest, but Jehan keeps talking. “Maybe you two need to get to know each other better and then things will turn out fine.” He doesn’t even deny that Enjolras probably hasn’t the best impression of Grantaire, but hate is a very strong word.

“But look at him,” R whines, “He doesn’t care about anything than equality and politics. He didn’t even look at me when I won the first kicker game. He’s so handsome. Have you seen the expression he makes when someone agrees with him? That satisfied smile … He’s an actual angel.” 

Jehan can’t help but smile. Grantaire has never talked about someone like this, at least as long as Jehan knows him. “You’re lost, my friend. Amor has shot his arrow right through your chest.” 

“I know,” R cries, covering his face with his hands. “But I’m just a useless college dropout. There’s no way he’s going to like me someday, not even in a thousand years.”Unlike Jehan, Grantaire attended university after they left lycée. He studied art history, but dropped out after the first semester.

“You’re not useless. And you are not defined by your education and I’m sure Enjolras doesn’t see you as the college drop out. He’s sees you as an annoying drunk, maybe, but not as a college dropout.”

“Wow. Helpful,” R attempts to push Jehan away -- but it’s only half heartedly, so he doesn’t succeed.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Jehan yawns and pats R on his back, before he gets up. “I’m going to bed and you should go, too. Good night.” 

Grantaire just groans and lays his head on the table. Jehan chuckles on his way out, but he leaves him be.

 

~

 

It’s Thursday afternoon, and Jehan is 20 minutes early. A few days ago he’s found out how to open the door of the book shop without letting the bell ring, so he sneaks in without any notice.There is no one at reception and he hears voices from the office, so he walks towards the door to knock and say hello. 

Feuilly and Combeferre sit in the office, and greet him warmly when he enters. He takes the cup of tea Feuilly offers him and leans against the table, since both chairs are occupied. After a few minutes and a bit of small talk about train delays, the bell rings and Jehan steps outside to deal with the customer -- a woman. After she leaves, he hears Feuilly’s and Combeferre’s voices -- and when he finally understands what they’re saying, he freezes.

“Have you been around Courfeyrac lately? He’s so excited, it’s exhausting.”

“Yeah. The only topic he knows is Luna. Luna here, Luna there. I’m so glad when the weekend is over and we finally get to meet her. Although he’s going to be that excited for a bit longer I’m afraid.”

“But for what he told me, she’s a real gem. They must really like each other. Love at first sight.” Laughter.

Jehan swallows, his mind rattling. Courfeyrac has been in the book shop every day since Monday and he never mentioned someone called Luna. They talked about everything – but not about Luna. Who was she?

They must really like each other. Love at first sight.

But then he remembers Combeferre’s words. But he really does like you, he doesn’t shut up about you, actually.  Did he do something wrong? But when Courfeyrac didn’t like him, why did he spend his lunch breaks here?

Maybe he likes me, but in a platonic way.  Jehan didn’t realize that he was trembling, until Feuilly touches his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“What? Oh, yeah, I – I just feel a bit dizzy. But it’s fine.” He clears his throat and smiles at Feuilly, who doesn’t look like he believes him. 

“Sit down.” He pushes him on a chair and brings him a glass of water. Jehan inhales deeply – he needs to get his shit together. “You’re sure you can work? I can do your shift, it’s no problem.” 

“No,” Jehan shakes his head, “It’s fine, really. I feel much better already.”

He suppresses the pain and focuses on work and after three hours he’s done. Literally.

How did he even get such a stupid idea? Someone would like  him . Someone as handsome as Courfeyrac. 

But on the other hand – Combeferre’s words.

It doesn’t make sense. Not at all.

 

~

 

Jehan doesn’t text Courfeyrac as usual in the next few days – and he doesn’t receive a text, what seems to validate his suspicion that he’s changed his mind – or something.

He spends these days curled up in his bed, listening to sad music. Grantaire tries to cheer him up, tries to get him to talk, but he doesn’t say a word.

“Come on Jehan. You have to leave your room. At least take a shower,” R stands in the door frame and sighs. Jehan stares at the ceiling and says nothing. Suddenly, his phone rings and he jumps. When he sees who’s calling, his heart skips a beat.

Courfeyrac has never called him before. Maybe he wants to apologize; maybe it was a very big misunderstanding. 

Jehan breathes out heavily and picks up.

 


	10. Luna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jehan decides that he’s not mad. It’s not Courfeyrac’s fault that he left his phone at home and therefore couldn’t text him. Well, technically it was, but he didn’t make it on purpose. Where has he been anyway?

“Okay, first off. I’m very sorry that I didn’t text you in the last few days but I forgot my phone at home. Gosh, that sounds like a very bad apology but it’s true, believe me,” Courfeyrac talks very fast and Jehan can hear his excitement.

 

Before Jehan can answer that he does believe him and that it’s okay, he begins to yell and Jehan has to hold his phone away from his ear to prevent some damage.

 

“I HAVE A DOG. AND SHE IS THE CUTEST THING EVER AND I WANT YOU TO MEET HER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.”

 

“Uh, okay?” Jehan shrugs to R, who looks at him, frowning.

 

“Does okay mean you’ll come over and you’re not mad?” Courfeyrac speaks in a normal volume again.

 

“Probably. I don’t know if I’m mad. I’ll think about it on my way, okay?”

 

“All right. I’ll text you my address.”

 

“What the hell?” R stares at Jehan’s phone like it’s going to explode.

 

“Courfeyrac has a dog. And he’s very excited about it, apparently,” Jehan explains while he goes through his wardrobe to find a fitting outfit, “And I’m going to meet him … and the dog. Now.”

 

“Oh, so your boy calls and you jump, yeah? But I can try to talk you into eating something for two days and you don’t even look at me.”

 

But from sound of his voice Jehan can tell he’s not really mad. He takes out his turquoise jeans and shows them to R. “Is that good?”

 

~

Jehan decides that he’s not mad. It’s not Courfeyrac’s fault that he left his phone at home and therefore couldn’t text him. Well, technically it was, but he didn’t make it on purpose. Where has he been anyway? But the thought about Luna freaks him out, so he tries not to think about it.

 

For a moment he considers taking the stairs, but the last time he took the stairs to the third floor he almost passed out, so that’s not the best idea. While he’s standing in the elevator he checks his hair in the mirror and tries to breathe normally.

 

Courfeyrac already waits for him, leaning against the door frame. Jehan notices that the other man is only a bit taller than him. As soon as he sees him, Courfeyrac bursts into a smile and Jehan smiles back.

 

“You’re smiling at me so you can’t be mad,” Courfeyrac grins and hugs him.

 

“Got me,” he winks. Courfeyrac steps back and lets him in.

 

The front door leads directly into the living room with the kitchen counter. “Sorry for the mess -- I just got home,” Courf apologies, but Jehan doesn’t mind. He scans the room and when he sees the Game Of Thrones Poster behind the sofa, he smiles.

 

Suddenly, he feels something fluffy around his legs and looks down. A Golden Retriever looks up at him.

 

“Luna, meet Jehan. Jehan, that’s Luna. My service dog. I got her this weekend.”

 

Jehan stares at Courfeyrac, then at the dog, then back to Courfeyrac, unable to close his mouth.

 

“ _That’s_ Luna?”

 

Courfeyrac raises an eyebrow. “Yes--I didn’t tell you about her because I wanted it to be a surprise. I hope you like dogs?”

 

“Yeah,” Jehan hurries to pet her, while the relief rushes through his veins. Everything is fine. They talked about a dog. “She’s adorable.”

 

“She sure is. Do you want something to drink?”

 

Jehan nods, “Water is fine, thank you.” His focus is on the flat again and he gasps.

 

“You have a window seat?!”

 

“Yeah,” Courfeyrac goes to the counter, “but I never use it.”

 

“Why not?” Jehan sits down on it and looks out of the window.

 

“I don’t spend much time in here.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Uni and rugby three times a week -- and I’m mostly at Enjolras and Combeferre’s, anyway.”

 

“They live together? Why don’t you live with them, when you’re mostly there?” He watches Courf who holds two glasses and slowly moves towards a small desk next to the sofa and adds, “Can I help you?”

 

“It’s fine, thanks. My dad thinks that it would distract me from studying, and having your own flat when you’re a 22 year old student is pretty amazing. And Enjolras can be very annoying when he’s sleep deprived,” Courf smirks and sits down on the sofa, patting next to him.

 

Jehan sits down next to him and his phone falls out of the pocket of his vest. He wants to pick it up, but Courfeyrac holds him back. “Luna, pick up Jehan’s phone.”

 

The dog, who has been lying next to the front door, gets up and carefully picks up the phone with its mouth and puts it into Courf’s lap.

 

“That’s amazing,” Jehan looks at her in surprise.

 

“Well done,” Courf pats her head then gives Jehan his phone back. “Yup. She’s a gem. I think she’ll need some time until she’s used to the new environment, but besides that, everything is perfect.”

 

“So that’s where you have been since Thursday. Was it fun?”

 

“Most of all it was exhausting,” Courf yawns and puts his head on Jehan’s shoulder.His curls tickle at Jehan’s cheek. Jehan forgets how to breathe and is glad that Courfeyrac can’t see that he’s blushing.

 

“Your shoulder is comfy,” Courfeyrac mumbles and Jehan laughs. “Uhm, thanks?”

 

Their eyes meet and Courf cracks a smile. “You’re welcome.”

 

Inhale. Exhale.

 

Courfeyrac lifts his head and for a second they just look at each other. Courfeyrac touches Jehan’s cheek.

 

“May I kiss you?” he asks.


	11. Salted tears won't dry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When Jehan wakes up this Thursday morning, he feels like he’s drowning. He doesn’t even need to look at the calendar to know what day today is. He’s already known it since he got home yesterday, but he suppressed any thought about it. It’s not just any day, it’s a special day, but he wishes it wasn’t."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a calorie mention in the first paragraph, feel free to skip, it's not important to the plot. Also talking about eating disorders later on.  
> Mentions of cemeteries, death, cancer
> 
> (Titel: Shirtsleeves - Ed Sheeran)

The last two weeks have been good. Too good. Jehan spent a lot of time at Courfeyrac’s and since he thought about him most of the time, there wasn’t much energy left to think about other things. He still made sure not to eat more than 1300 calories a day --but that’s twice as much as usual. Most of the time he could eat without feeling guilty, could easily silence the voice in his head. It wasn’t easy, but it was bearable and Courfeyrac did a good job at distracting him, even though he doesn’t know about anything.

 

When Jehan wakes up this Thursday morning, he feels like he’s drowning. He doesn’t even need to look at the calendar to know what day today is. He’s already known it since he got home yesterday, but he suppressed any thought about it. It’s not just any day, it’s a special day, but he wishes it wasn’t.

 

Grantaire is already waiting for him in the kitchen making toast. Jehan doesn’t even get the chance to mumble a ‘good morning’ before R hugs him.

 

“Hey. Good morning. How are you feeling?” He lets him go and Jehan sits down, trying to identify his emotions.

 

“I’m--” Everything burns, it feels like his heart’s getting ripped out of his chest. How should he explain that?

 

Grantaire looks at him with a sad smile. “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk. I took today off. I can go with you -- if you want.”

 

Jehan swallows and nods. Grantaire hands him a plate with toast and eggs. “I’m not hungry,” Jehan whispers, fighting against the lump in his throat.

 

“It’s okay,” R repeats, “I’m gonna make you a cup of tea. Okay?”

 

~

 

Jehan stares at his phone while they sit at the metro. Courfeyrac’s texted him a usual good morning text, but Jehan can’t bring himself to answer. Courf doesn’t know anything about today and Jehan isn’t sure if he’s ready to tell him.

 

They need twenty minutes to get to the cemetery. Grantaire takes Jehan’s hand and squeezes it gently. When they get near the grave, Grantaire stops. “I’m gonna wait here, okay?” Jehan nods.

 

The grave hasn’t changed since his last visit, and Jehan isn’t sure if he’s expected that. It’s the same grey stone as always, with the same white angel and without flowers. Except those which Jehan has brought today. He swallows about three times, but the lump doesn’t disappear and the tightness in his chest gets worse. Suddenly, he cries, silently. Tears stream down his face, but he doesn’t make a sound.

 

“I still miss you,” he whispers, “It’s stupid. It’s been three years but I still miss you, every day.”

 

When he was fifteen, his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. After a while she went into remission, but then it came back and shortly after Jehan’s sixteenth birthday, on this day three years ago, she died. Jehan stopped eating. His father didn’t even notice it:he never got over the loss of his wife and isolated himself. He’s lost his wife -- but Jehan’s lost his parents.

 

He doesn’t realize that Grantaire is holding him -- and he doesn’t realize that he started sobbing.

 

“It’s okay, Jehan. It’s okay to grieve. Grief doesn’t stop after a certain amount of time. I’m here. And I’ll always be.”

 

~

When they get home again, Jehan already feels better. Not nearly happy, but better than he felt when he woke up. He has three texts from Courfeyrac, sent over the past three hours.

He texts him that he’s sorry and that he’s okay, telling him to have fun at his lecture.

 

_Wanna come over at 6? X_

 

Jehan hesitates. He isn’t quite in the mood for other people than R, but it’s probably better when he doesn’t hide in his room all day. It’s going to distract him and that’s the best what can happen today.

 

~                                                                                                 

 

He’s curled up at the one side of the sofa, while he watches Courfeyrac, who’s brushing Luna.

“We’re gonna cook at Feuilly’s on Saturday, do you wanna come?” Courfeyrac doesn’t look up, he’s too focused on his task.

 

Jehan flinches inside. Food. In front of a lot of other people. He can’t do that.

 

“Er, not sure.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Maybe I’ll have to work.”

 

“It’s in the evening, you won’t.”

 

“Mhm,” Jehan looks at his cup of tea, desperately thinking of a good excuse.

 

“Jehan?” Courfeyrac lets Luna go and looks up, with an expression of worry.

 

Jehan gets nauseated he’s seen that expression before and he knows what’s about to come. He shifts and tries to prepare himself. It’s not a good time for this conversation, not today, but on the other hand when is it a good time?

 

“Yes, dear?”  


“Do you have an eating disorder?”

 

He doesn’t look at him, instead staring at a non-existing point in the distance when he swallows and answers: “Yes. I mean, I don’t have an official diagnosis, but I guess that’s what you’d call it.” He can’t speak louder than a whisper. He doesn’t dare to breathe properly, time seems to stand still.Courfeyrac is going to leave him, he’s not going to stay with someone who is more a burden than anything else. “How do you know?”

 

“I dunno. I just noticed that you never eat at the café, while everyone else orders something. And when we order food you either eat salad or don’t eat more than half of the meal. The way you eat. Like…It’s painful. I’m sorry if I hurt you with that question.”

 

Jehan looks at his boyfriend, who looks very, very worried and Jehan’s heart shatters into pieces, because he doesn’t want him to worry because of him. He doesn’t want to be a burden.

 

“It’s okay. I -- I probably should have told you myself.”

 

“It’s all right. Is there something I can do for you? Help you somehow?”

 

Jehan smiles sadly. “You’re already doing enough. Thank you.” Just don’t leave me. Please don’t.

 

“Come here,” Courfeyrac lifts an arm and Jehan shuffles over to lean his head against the other’s chest.

 

Courfeyrac strokes his back and places a kiss on his forehead.

 

“It’s going to be okay. I’m here for you. It’s going to be fine.”

 

It’s the second person who told him that they’re here for him today -- and Jehan couldn’t be more

grateful.


	12. We all have our scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a lazy day -- and some things that weren't supposed to go the way they did. 
> 
> ~  
> scars mention

It’s Sunday morning and Jehan is convinced that Courfeyrac’s bed is far more comfortable than his own. He is curled up next to his boyfriend, head on his chest, fingers running over his body. Courfeyrac has his eyes closed and purrs every now and then, and there’s no sign that they’ll leave the warm sheets soon.

 

Without thinking about it, Jehan runs his fingers over the part of a scar that isn’t covered by Courf’s boxers, when the other suddenly tenses in discomfort. Jehan looks up in surprise. “You okay?”

 

“Don’t -- Don’t touch them.”

 

Jehan takes his hand away. “Why not? Does it feel uncomfortable?” He’s seen the two scars on each side of Courfeyrac’s hipbones. They are thick and pink and not exactly perfect but he doesn’t mind them. He doesn’t know where they’re from, Courfeyrac didn’t tell him yet and it seems like that’s kind of a sensitive subject.

 

“No. It’s just that I don’t like them. I mean, I don’t really feel it actually. But -- just don’t do it.”

 

“Okay,” Jehan rests his hand on Courf’s chest, but the atmosphere is ruined.

 

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Courfeyrac gets up and as soon as he’s left the room, Jehan groans. That was not how their Sunday morning was supposed to go.

 

He gets up, too, puts a shirt on and goes into the kitchen/living room to make breakfast. He goes through the cupboard looking after a bowl to make banana pancakes and finds Coufeyrac’s med stock instead. A whole cabinet full with pain killers and magnesium in different types (tablets, powder, 200 milligrams, 300 milligrams, 400 milligrams). He’s never seen him taking pain killers before --in contrast to the magnesium tablets that Courf takes every morning -- and he wonders how often that happens. But maybe it’s just for hangovers.

 

He’s just put the first pancake into the pan when he feels Courfeyrac’s arms around his waist. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be harsh.” Water drips on Jehan’s shoulder.

 

“When will you learn that towels were invented to dry your hair?” Jehan turns around and kisses Courf’s nose. “It’s fine. I’m making breakfast.” 

 

“Yeah, I can smell that. Awesome.”

 

It’s a No-Game-Sunday, so in theory they could just stay on the couch all day and watch Netflix and relax, but actually, Courfeyrac has to prepare a presentation for college. After they go for a two hour walk with Luna, Courfeyrac sits down on the kitchen table with his laptop and starts to work (with a lot of sighs and groans and “whyyyyy”’s), while Jehan makes himself comfortable on the window seat with a book.

 

After an hour -- and a lot of swearing from Courfeyrac -- Jehan stops reading and stares out of the window. Then he looks at Courfeyrac, who sticks out his tongue in concentration, and begins to recite:

 

“I went to the Garden of Love,

And I saw what I never had seen:

A Chapel was built in the midst,

Where I used to play on the green.

 

And the gates of this Chapel were shut,

And "Thou shalt not." Writ over the door;

So I turn'd to the Garden of Love,

That so many sweet flowers bore.

 

And I saw it was filled with graves,

And tomb-stones where flowers should be:

And Priests in black gowns, were walking their rounds,

And binding with briars, my joys & desires.” 

 

“Woah. Did you write that? Sort of depressing, don’t you think? Do you want to tell me something?” Courfeyrac smirks.

 

Jehan blushes. “It’s William Blake. One of my favorites. Sorry. It just came into my mind.”

 

“No, don’t be sorry. I like it, a lot. You should recite to me more often.” He closes the lid of his laptop. “You know what, fuck this. I’ll finish it tomorrow before class, I’m almost done anyway. What do you want to do?”

 

Twenty minutes later they are cuddled up together on the sofa, watching an episode of  Dr. House.  Courfeyrac runs his fingers through Jehan’s hair. He knows that the other loves it, though his movements are rough sometimes and he can’t do it for long because his muscles get tired.

 

“I want you to go to my dad’s birthday with me.”

 

Jehan can’t help but jump. “What?”They’ve been dating for a month and he already wants him to get to know his family?!

 

“Yeah. Is that a problem for you? You don’t have to if you don’t like,” Courfeyrac is quick to add.

 

“No, no. It’s fine. I’d love to get to know your family and your crazy sisters,” he smiles. “But don’t expect that you’ll get to know my family soon, okay?”

 

“Got it.”

 

Jehan relaxes again and focuses in the TV, banishing every thought of  What are they gonna think of me??? into the furthest corner of his mind.

 

They are both startled when someone knocks on the door. Luna instantly gets up, but waits for the command, “Luna, open the front door.” Then she pulls on the tennis ball which is attached to the door knob with a cord and the door springs open to reveal Marius, who looks like a mess, withred and puffy eyes. Next to him stands a big red suitcase.My grandpa kicked me out. Can I stay with you?”

 

Courfeyrac and Jehan both stare at him for a moment without saying anything, but then Courf says in a calm voice: “Come in, close the door. Yes, you can stay with me as long as you want. My sofa is very comfy as far as I can tell. Jehan, would you mind making us some tea?”

 

Jehan is glad that he can do something helpful. He’s seen Marius about three times and they barely know each other. He likes him, he seems to be a good guy and he knows that Courfeyrac has been friends with him since he moved to Paris. They once spoke a bit in Italian with each other and he really enjoyed that. But now it’s a really personal situation and he feels a bit odd.

 

While he’s busy filling water into the teapot, Marius tells Courfeyrac in a quiet voice what has happened. Jehan tries not to listen; he feels like it it’s none of his business.

 

“I think it’s better when I leave,” Jehan says to Courfeyrac when Marius uses the bathroom.

 

“Don’t feel like you have to. But if you want to, it’s fine.”

 

Jehan takes his backpack and picks up his belongings that have been spread out in the flat over the weekend. Then he goes up to Courf, who’s still sitting on the sofa and kisses him good-bye.“I’ll come over during my lunch break tomorrow.”

 

“See you then.” Courf says, then  when Jehan reaches the front door, he calls out to him, “You’re still wearing my sweater.”

 

“Oh, right,” Jehan blushes. “Can I keep it?”

 

“Sure, ” Courfeyrac says. And Jehan  knows he will never get tired of this smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem is The Garden Of Love by William Blake.


	13. The concept of pain and exhaustion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tell me something about your family, are there some…I don’t know, rules?” Jehan asks as soon as Courfeyrac’s started the engine.

“I’m sorry.”

 

Grantaire looks up from his sketch-book, raising an eyebrow. “About what?”

 

Jehan wraps his hand around his tea mug. “I’m not here often. I’m at work or with Courfeyrac and I realized that we haven’t had a movie night in two weeks and I’m sorry for that. I feel like I’m a bad friend.”

 

“Hush. You’re not,” Grantaire wraps his arms around his shoulder and places a kiss on his cheek, “It’s fine. I’m happy that you’re happy.”

 

“Let’s do a movie night tomorrow, okay? Monday’s my day off,” Jehan says, not quite convinced.

 

“If that makes you sleep at night, we can do it.”

 

“Sounds like you don’t really want to.”

 

“No, no, no. It’s okay. But I’ll pick the movie.”

 

Jehan lets out an exaggerated sigh. “If you must.”

 

There’s a honk outside and Jehan jumps up. “That’s Courfeyrac. Do I look okay?”

 

“As perfect as always,” R winks. “Have fun. And say hi to Courf.”

 

Jehan waves goodbye and rushes out of the door.

 

“Hey,” he says, slamming the car door with a bang and beaming at Courfeyrac.

 

“Hey. You look gorgeous,” Courfeyrac gives him a small kiss.

 

“Thanks, so do you.” Courfeyrac is wearing a blue shirt and khaki pants and it actually takes Jehan breath away for a second. There’s a whimper from the backseat and Jehan turns around to pet Luna, “Yes, hey to you too. Beautiful as always young lady,” he says, before putting his seat belt on.

 

“Tell me something about your family, are there some…I don’t know,  rules ?” Jehan asks as soon as Courfeyrac’s started the engine.

 

Courfeyrac thinks for a moment, then he gasps. “Oh, yeah. Don’t talk with my grandpa about my driving. I crashed my car a day after I got the license and since he’s convinced that I can’t drive. He’s just looking for more evidence.”

 

“But your driving is fine!?”

 

“ I  know that. He’s never been in a car with me, actually. Just don’t mention it.”

 

~

They drive about forty minutes before they reach the suburb where Courfeyrac’s parents live. 

 

“So you grew up here?”

 

“No, I’m from Alès, near Avignon. We moved here when I was thirteen.”

 

“Ooh,” Jehan coos, “Did you make trips to the sea often?”

 

“It’s actually a 90 minutes’ drive, so we didn’t do it that often. But I’ve been there probably a lot, about every two months or so.” Courfeyrac turns into a driveway and Jehan is amazed by the garden that surrounds the white house. “Here we are. House de Courfeyrac.”

 

He parks next to a blue  Volvo . “Sister one’s already here.”

 

“Sister one is that one with the twins, right?”

 

Courfeyrac laughs. “It’s Manon. Yes, the twins are called Maxime and Yanis. Yanis has a scar over his left eyebrow so you can separate them quite easily.” Jehan nods and makes mental notes.

 

Courfeyrac sighs. “Let’s go.”

 

Jehan opens the car door, gets out and surrounds the car. When he sees Courfeyrac with nothing but a cane, he freezes.

 

“Oh god,” Courfeyrac bursts into laughter, “I should take a picture of your face right now. It’s hilarious.”The cane is bilious green and it doesn’t match the outfit at all. Courfeyrac needs a moment to calm down, while Jehan just stands there, blushing, and Luna waits patiently, now wearing the blue  service dog  vest.“Okay,” he says, taking a breath, “My father doesn’t like it when I use a wheelchair. He thinks that it’s not good for me and, I quote, ‘we didn’t spend three years with physical therapy to teach you to walk, so you stop just because you’re lazy’. He doesn’t get the whole ‘pain’ and ‘exhaustion’ concept. So he didn’t allow me to use one until I left for university. He’s convinced that there’s no such thing as a part-time wheelchair user. All or nothing. So, yeah. I don’t like that discussion so I avoid it.”

 

Jehan stares at him in disbelief. “Didn’t your doctor or I don’t know who tell him that it’s better that way?”

 

Courfeyrac shrugs. “About ten times. He’s stubborn. But we shouldn’t be talking about him in front of his house – at his birthday. Let’s get inside.”

 

~

 

Courfeyrac’s whole family is really lovely and warm hearted. They treat Jehan like he’s a member of the family and it’s way better that Jehan has thought.

 

After four hours they drive back home.

 

“I’m glad you asked me to come with you. Your family is great.”

 

Courfeyrac smiles. “I know. I’m glad you came with me. Thank you.”

 

They drive for a while in silence, until Jehan says:“I’m thinking about going to university in autumn. English literature and creative writing. I hope I can get a scholarship… Actually I have no clue what I’m gonna do without one… Anyway. What do you think?”That thought first appeared a few weeks ago and he’d only told R about it yesterday (He danced through the room with him, chanting, “At least one of us is doing something with his life and it’s gonna be amazing.”).

 

“I think that you are a very smart boy and that it is a really good idea.” He turns and smiles at him for a second before focusing on the road again, “And I would probably squeeze your hand now in a ‘proud boyfriend’ manner but I need both to drive.”Jehan laughs and leans his head against the car window, gazing at the night sky.There are ways to fund it for sure --talk with Enjolras about that. He knows stuff like that,” he adds and Jehan hums in approval.

 

“Oh I have great news by the way,” Courfeyrac grins when they reach Paris, “Marius texted me. He’s at Cosette’s tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not have written that chapter just because of my grandpa's attitude to my driving talent.


	14. Harry Potter Marathon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grantaire sighs. “No, Jehan. You can’t. That’s the point. No one can do something for me. What do you want?”
> 
> “Courfeyrac invited us to go to a Harry Potter marathon at Feuilly’s tonight. But it’s totally fine if we don’t go. We could –-“
> 
> Before he can think of an activity, Grantaire interrupts him.“Movie marathon sounds fun. We’ll go.”
> 
> “You sure?”
> 
> “Yeah. It’s gonna be good.”

_Harry Potter marathon at Feuilly’s tonight. Bring R X_

Jehan blinks at his phone for a second before he understands what he’s reading. He’s just spent two hours lost in a book and needs a moment to come back to reality. When the information finally reaches his brain he smiles and gets up to tell R.

 

“What are you doing?” He frowns at his best friend who’s sitting on his bed, back leaned against the wall, staring at a non-existing point in the distance. Grantaire doesn’t even look at him when he enters the room.

 

“Nothing.” There is a pause, then he turns his head to look at Jehan. “What’s up?”

 

Jehan hesitates. Grantaire doesn’t seem to be in a movie night mood. Maybe it’d be better to stay at home. “You okay?”

 

Grantaire rubs his eyes. “Yeah. Just – I’m fine, don’t worry,” he smiles, but Jehan isn’t fooled. He sits down next to him and grabs his hand.

 

“Can I do something for you?”

 

“I said I’m fine,” he doesn’t sound mad, in fact his tone doesn’t change at all what worries Jehan even more.

 

“Can I do something for you?” he repeats.

 

Grantaire sighs. “No, Jehan. You can’t. That’s the point. No one can do something for me. What do you want?”

 

“Courfeyrac invited us to go to a Harry Potter marathon at Feuilly’s tonight. But it’s totally fine if we don’t go. We could –-“

 

Before he can think of an activity, Grantaire interrupts him.“Movie marathon sounds fun. We’ll go.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yeah. It’s gonna be good.”

~

They arrive ten minutes late because Jehan couldn’t decide what to wear. Everything seemed wrong, too tight, made him too fat. In the end R gave him one of his sweaters that is way too big for him.

 

Everyone is already there, spread out on two sofas and a few bean bags. “They’re late and they didn’t even bring coffee,” Bahorel cries when they enter the room.

 

Courfeyrac beams at Jehan who sees R rolling his eyes from the corner of his eyes but he doesn’t care. He hasn’t seen Courfeyrac for four days, which is long, considering that Courfeyrac usually visits Jehan every day at the book shop. But he has some exams in two weeks and is studying all the time. So he slumps down next to him and greets him with a long kiss.

 

“Will Enjolras be here, too?” R doesn’t even try to have an innocent expression, looking at Feuilly.

 

“He’s in the kitchen. You were the last ones. We’re gonna  start any minute.”

 

Ten minutes later Jehan is curled up against Courfeyrac chest, looking at the TV screen, where Harry gets his first visit by Dobby. They decided that they won’t watch all movies, because that would take, well, a lot of time. But he’s not that focused at the plot because firstly, he knows it and secondly Courfeyrac tells him about his week, whispering in his ear. He can’t really answer, because they don’t want to disturb the others but it’s nice anyway. They don’t have much privacy these days, because when Courfeyrac actually doesn’t have to study, there’s still Marius in his flat, and Jehan’s flat is on the second floor without an elevator.

 

“I’m injured,” Courf whines to ‘Ferre, who just came from the kitchen, getting a new beer. He shows his knuckle to him, but Ferre just rolls his eyes.

 

“You’re a whiny pissbaby and you know it,” Bahorel shouts from across the room, where Feuilly lies, resting his head on his shoulder, “It’s not like your skin isn’t always scraped off. It doesn’t count as an injury anymore. So shut up.”

 

“Don’t talk to me like that. That’s discriminating. I could sue you.”

 

“Oh my god, Courf, shut up. We want to see the movie and actually understand what they say.”

 

“It’s not like you know every line, Feu. And Harry and Cho kissing isn’t that interesting.”

 

“Shut up,” Bahorel, Feuilly and Grantaire yell at the same time and Courfeyrac actually does, pouting.

 

“Aww poor little Courf,” Jehan takes his hand and kisses the scratches, grinning.

 

“See that’s how you react when I tell you that I’m injured.” There’s just collective groaning.

 

They went from _Chamber of Secrets_ to _Order of the Phoenix_ and Jehan may have been dozing a little in between.

 

Suddenly the doorbell rings and everyone’s shouting “Pizza” unison. All, except Jehan. Instead he looks at Courfeyrac, with a question mark on his face.

 

“You were asleep. I didn’t want to wake you up, so I ordered a small pizza Funghi for you. Without cheese. I hope that’s okay,” Courfeyrac looks worried and Jehan sighs in relief.

 

“It’s okay. Thank you.”

 

Actually, it’s not, not at all, but he doesn’t want to worry Courfeyrac and he surely won’t show how not okay pizza at this evening is. In front of the others. Fuck, why didn’t R say anything? He knows it.

 

With every bite Jehan hates himself more. He already doesn’t fit in any of his clothes, that’s why he has to wear R’s and now he’s eating even more. And to top that, he must eat in front of people he doesn’t know that well. After he’s finished half of it, he springs up and flies into the kitchen.

 

He doesn’t care what the others think of him. Actually he does, but he doesn’t know what to do. He’s trembling, pacing up and down, trying to hold back the tears. He could go into the bathroom and try to puke but they’d hear it for sure. It takes forty minutes until he’s home – that’s too long. Why didn’t he just decline the pizza, saying he’s eaten already. Why did he do this?

 

Suddenly, there are arms around his shoulder and his head leans against a chest. “Breathe,” there’s the voice that helped him through thousands of anxiety attacks, hundreds sleepless nights. These hands have patted his back when he hung over the toilet, because sometimes no words can stop the voice, only actions.

 

“Breathe Jehan. You won’t die. You are going to live,” R’s voice is hoarse, but it has the same soothing effect as always. “I’m here.” These words are repeated until Jehan stops trembling.

When he looks up from Grantaire’s chest, he sees Courfeyrac behind him in his wheelchair.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Jehan tries not to cry. Grantaire lets him go and leaves the kitchen to let them alone.

 

Courfeyrac is pale and Jehan has never seen him this worried.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he repeats, kneeling in front of him, taking his hands.

 

“You could have said something, y’know. I – I would never –“

 

He’s devastated and it’s Jehan fault. It’s alone his fault and he knows it.

 

“I don’t want you to worry about me.”

 

“But I am worrying. What is so bad about caring? Why haven’t you just said that you don’t want to eat? I would never force you to do something you don’t want and now I feel like I forced you and it’s my fault that you feel bad.”

 

“But it isn’t,” Jehan whispers, tears streaming down his face. Why must he be so fucked up? Why must everything be so complicated? “I swear it isn’t your fault. It’s nobody’s fault but mine. Please don’t blame yourself.”

 

“Tell me when you feel bad. Please talk to me about stuff like this. I don’t want to make uncomfortable. It’s totally fine if you don’t want to eat in front of people you don’t know well. But you have to say it. Please.” Courfeyrac squeezes his hand.

 

Jehan nods, exhaling heavily to stop himself from crying, while there’s a scream in his head Why do you even like me?! “I will. I promise.”

 

They just look at each other in silence until the tears finally stop. Jehan rubs his eyes and tries to smile. “Let’s go back.”

 

“You don’t have to. You can go home or to me.”

 

“No, I want to. _Order of the Phoenix_ is my favorite,” he gets back on his feet and bends down to kiss Courfeyrac, “I’m not going to let this ruin this evening.”

 

When they are back on the sofa Jehan notices that Enjolras and Grantaire are gone.

 


	16. Like the sun and the moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marius is at work. You wanna come over? X
> 
> Jehan doesn’t remember when the last time was he’d run to the metro so fast. On my way.
> 
> Courfeyrac keeps telling him that the exam period is over soon but somehow there always new things he has to do. They haven’t been alone in three weeks so every second is precious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry about the delay but finals are near *screams*.  
> Thank you so so much for your comments and kudos! <3
> 
> Enjoy!

The sun slowly rises coloring the sky red and pink. Jehan sits at the kitchen table, hands wrapped around a cup of Chai tea. He came home about an hour ago –- they watched the two parts of _The Deathly Hallows_ too -- it’s been a long night.

 

The mug is almost empty when he finally hears the front door.

 

“You don’t have to be quiet, I’m still awake,” he tells R, who appears in the door frame,  a mild smile on his lips.

 

“Oh, hey. You shouldn’t have stayed awake for me.”

 

“I didn’t, well, not really. I was at Feuilly’s until 4 am. It was fun, a pity that you missed it. But you had good company, I guess,” Jehan raises an eyebrow, not able to suppress his grin.

 

R laughs too. “You could say that, yeah.”

 

“Come on, tell me,” he throws up his hands in desperation.

 

“I don’t know – I – When I came back into the living room, he asked me if I want to go outside to get some air and he came with me. We talked a bit – yes, talked, not argued – and suddenly I kissed him. I just – I couldn’t resist. He kissed me back and, um, suddenly I was at his flat,” R smirks.

 

For a while they just smile at each other but then Grantaire’s expression changes. “He probably regrets it already. Maybe he was drunk or something, but he definitely wasn’t in his right mind. I mean – he hates me. Doesn’t he?”

 

“I told you that I don’t think he hates you. You probably convinced him finally that you’re a good person. I don’t know. Don’t think too much about it. Just enjoy that you got laid.“

 

~

 

_Marius is at work. You wanna come over? X_

 

Jehan doesn’t remember when the last time was he’d run to the metro so fast. _On my way._

 

Courfeyrac keeps telling him that the exam period is over soon but somehow there always new things he has to do. They haven’t been alone in three weeks so every second is precious.

 

It doesn’t even take twenty minutes until they are in Courfeyrac’s bed and Courf already has his shirt off – when they hear the front door and Marius shouting: “I’m home.”

 

Courfeyrac looks at Jehan with a mixture of disappointment and amusement. “Fuck,” he whispers, before raising his voice, “Welcome back.” Then he buries his face in Jehan’s chest.“We need to give him ear plugs or something,” Courf mutters while he puts his shirt back on.

 

It wouldn’t be that bad if the living room where Marius lives weren’t exactly next to the bedroom – and maybe if the walls were a bit thicker. It’s not like Courfeyrac would mind if Marius hears them -- but Jehan does.

 

“That will be my birthday present for him,” Jehan winks.

 

“Why is Luna here alone?” The door opens and Marius appears, freezing as soon as he sees Jehan.

 

“Oh, that’s why – hi, Jehan,” he stutters his ears turning red, “I’m, um.”

 

“Hello Marius,” Jehan waves at him, eager for a neutral expression on his face.

 

“Let’s watch a movie or something together. Or play a board game. I haven’t played Monopoly in ages. It’s in the closet next to the front door. Would you mind getting it ready, Marius?”

 

“Sure,” Marius turns around, glad to have a reason to leave the room. The door closes with a bang.

 

“We are not even naked. We are just lying in my bed. Seriously, it wasn’t that bad. He needs to relax,” Courfeyrac sighs.

 

“But that’s exactly what I mean,” Jehan nudges him, “When he’s already uncomfortable with this situation then he’d much more uncomfortable when he hears you shouting my name. And I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.”

 

“I’ve never shouted your name,” Courf gasps.

 

Jehan grins. “But who says that’s not going to happen?”

 

~

It seems to be in the middle of the night when Jehan wakes up. For a moment he doesn’t know where he is but then he feels Courfeyrac next to him, who is shuffling and groaning – and obviously the reason why Jehan woke up.

 

“You okay?” He rests his hand on Courf’s shoulder, causing him to stop moving.

 

“Yes,” he clears his throat, “I just can’t sleep.”

 

“What’s the matter?” Jehan hears Luna whine next to Courfeyrac, sensing her owner’s discomfort.

 

“Everything hurts,” Courfeyrac covers his face with his hands, and then he adds, “Not hurts, actually, not really. My legs ache a bit, but it’s – not that great. I just need magnesium but I don’t want to wake Marius, so…” He blinks at Jehan, who’s already getting out of the bed.

 

“I’ll get you some.”

 

The moon shines through the window in the living room, so Jehan doesn’t even to switch on the light. He opens the cupboard as quiet as possible – just to get hit by several packages of magnesium. Cursing mentally he turns to the sofa, but Marius is still asleep.

 

“Here you go,” he hands the strongest pills he could find and a bottle of water to his boyfriend, who takes them, nodding.

 

“Thank you,” Courfeyrac whispers after he’s taken a pill and swallowed some water, “I didn’t mean to wake you and I surely didn’t mean you to get up and get me some.”

 

“It’s fine. Just please take care that the cupboard isn’t that full next time, because one of the packages almost killed me,” Jehan smirks and kisses his collarbone.

 

“I will,” he can hear Courf chuckle, then yawn. “I love you.”

 

Jehan looks up, not sure if he’s heard right. But his heart is already telling that he has, somersaulting and pounding against his chest in joy.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

They both smile when they fall asleep.


	17. The Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay, I have some partly good, partly bad news,” Courf says, slumping besides him on the couch after he finally finished his assignment.
> 
>  
> 
> “I’m listening.”
> 
>  
> 
> Courfeyrac chews his lip and breathes out heavily. “All right, the national championship is coming up in two months and we are going to participate. And, um, there are going to be talent scouts to look for players for the national team. So it’s kinda important.”
> 
>  
> 
> “But that’s great, isn’t it?” Jehan interjects, anxiously waiting for the bad part.
> 
> \--  
> There's an exam. And a fight

Jehan stares at his breakfast, trying not to vomit. It’s not because of the food for once. In less than three hours he has to sit an exam for a scholarship and he is nervous, not to say terrified.

 

“It will be okay.” Grantaire looks at him with a reassuring smile, but Jehan doesn’t believe him. “You need to eat to be able to focus, y’know.”

 

“Yes, I know that,” Jehan doesn’t want to sound so weak even if that’s what he feels like. “You’re going to see Enjolras tonight?” he asks to distract himself from the nausea.

 

Enjolras and Grantaire have been dating for three weeks. As long as they are not talking about politics they do not seem to be about to murder each other and get along quite well, even if they aren’t, as R has kindly pointed out, as ‘sickening cute’ as Jehan and Courfeyrac.

 

“Naah”, R shakes his head, “He’s got to work on a paper. Gotta work anyway.”

 

~

 

The exam takes two hours and when Jehan finally leaves the room, he’s drenched in sweat and feels lightheaded. He takes out his phone and texts Courf and R: _I survived it_

~

 

“Okay, I have some partly good, partly bad news,” Courf says, slumping besides him on the couch after he finally finished his assignment.

 

“I’m listening.”

 

Courfeyrac chews his lip and breathes out heavily. “All right, the national championship is coming up in two months and we are going to participate. And, um, there are going to be talent scouts to look for players for the national team. So it’s kinda important.”

 

“But that’s great, isn’t it?” Jehan interjects, anxiously waiting for the bad part.

 

“It sure is. I mean I already had the chance to get onto the national team, but it didn’t work out, so here’s my new chance…”

 

“What happened?”

 

Courfeyrac sighs, eyes wandering through the room.

 

“I was fifteen. You remember that I used to swim, yeah? I was pretty good, I guess. But then there was the first surgery and I had to pause for,” he tilts his head, “two months. That’s not that bad, but half a year after that, I had my next surgery and this time I had to pause for four months.” He clears his throat. “I actually never continued after that.”

 

“What surgeries?”

 

“I don’t want to bore you with the medical stuff. The first one was because of my leg strings and the second one because of my hips.” Courf laughs, but it’s a forced laugh. “I used to take pain killers like they were candy.”

 

There’s a heavy silence in the room. Jehan takes Courfeyrac’s hand, who looks down at them.

 

“Anyway,” he looks up again, “The news. There is going to be a more intensive workout schedule, so I have rugby five times a week instead of three.”

 

“Oh,” is all Jehan can manage to say. The exam period is over, so he thought they would finally have more time for each other.

 

“I’m really sorry about that. In a few weeks I have summer break. Then we’re going to have time for each other. I promise. Please don’t be mad.”

 

“I’m not mad”, Jehan squeezes his hand and smiles, “and I won’t leave you. I promised.”

 

Courfeyrac blinks at him in confusion and it takes a second until Jehan realized that he’s fucked up.

 

“You what?”

 

Jehan shuffles in discomfort and lets go the other’s hand. “Nothing, forget it.”

 

“No,” Courf scoffs, “You’re not getting out of that. You promised you won’t leave me. To whom did you promise that? I don’t recall it was me.”

 

Jehan looks at the floor and bites his lip. Courfeyrac won’t let this go and it’s not helping when he refuses to answer.

 

“Combeferre. He – Please don’t get mad.”

 

“Tell me,” Coufeyrac has his arms crossed in front of his chest and Jehan has never seen him so defensive.

 

“Before we started dating, I mean, before we kissed… He made me promise that I won’t fuck this up and that I won’t leave you just because things could get difficult.”

 

“Things,” Courfeyrac repeats, his face mixed with an expression of hurt, disappointment and anger.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s your boss, what were you supposed to do? Saying that you aren’t comfortable with talking about me? Yeah, probably. But we both know that you’re too anxious to do that.” It doesn’t sound like an offense – just like the truth.“I’m not a five year old who needs a babysitter,” he spits out, not looking at Jehan.

 

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that. He’s just worried.”

 

“About what? That I can’t handle a relationship? For god’s sake, I’m 22 and it’s not like I haven’t had a relationship before. That’s just—“ he stops himself, now looking at Jehan. His expression eases.

 

“Would you mind going home? I’ll give you a ride. I need to talk to him.”

 

“I, um, but,” Jehan stammers, not able to give a proper answer.

 

“Look, I’m not angry at you. Like I said, you did nothing wrong. It’s just not fair for you when you have to have all my … feelings directed at you. It’s better this way,” his voice is soft and Jehan is amazed by the sudden change of expression.

 

He fucked up. He fucked up and it’s all his fault and Courfeyrac is going to hate him. Either him or Combeferre. Finally, he nods and gets up to get his backpack.

 

“I’m not mad at you, Jehan,” Courfeyrac repeats when he stops the car in front of Jehan’s flat.

 

“I know.” Jehan wants to apologize, because it _is_ his fault and even if not, he’s always the one who needs to apologize. Without looking at his boyfriend he reaches for the handle.

 

“Wait! What about a goodbye kiss?” Courfeyrac smiles at him and squeezes his hand. “We’re good. You did nothing wrong.”

 

“Okay,” Jehan swallows the tears and presses a kiss on Courf’s cheek.

 


	18. Caught by reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jehan just feels very tired. This little fight – has it even been a proper fight? Not really --or, this little situation showed him one more time how fragile relationships are. It hasn’t even been something serious but one day something serious will happen, and he’s going to lose Courfeyrac – so why bother and be hurt in the end? In the last few months he hasn’t thought about the inevitable loss that comes with a relationship, because it’s very unlikely that they will live happily ever after -- that’s just something that happens in movies. When he was younger, he believed in the one true love, he believed in soul mates. But then life happened and reality caught him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your support xxx

As soon as he enters the flat, tears are streaming down Jehan’s face. He’s probably overreacting, he knows that, but he’s never been good at handling situations like these. Why did he have to say that? It was likely for Courfeyrac to get upset about it and it was surely not to be meant to let him know that this conversation happened.

About an hour after he came home, he gets a text from Courfeyrac.

_Call me? X_

Jehan sniffs and wipes his tears away before he dials his boyfriend’s number.“Hey.”

“Hey, Jehan. It’s all good. I talked to him it was just -- Are you crying?”

“No.” It’s not even a lie, he _was_ crying. “Go on.”

“It was just the I’m going to hurt you if you hurt him talk, but Combeferre would never phrase it like that.”

“Great.” _I told you that he didn’t mean it like that_ , he thinks.

“I’m sorry that I made you leave. And I’m sorry about rugby. I’m gonna make up for it, I promise.”

“It’s fine, Courf. You don’t need to do anything.”

“But I want to. Besides, we’ve been dating for four months tomorrow. I’m going to pick you up at six. Wear something fancy.”

Jehan just feels very tired. This little fight – has it even been a proper fight? Not really --or, this little situation showed him one more time how fragile relationships are. It hasn’t even been something serious but one day something serious will happen, and he’s going to lose Courfeyrac – so why bother and be hurt in the end? In the last few months he hasn’t thought about the inevitable loss that comes with a relationship, because it’s very unlikely that they will live happily ever after -- that’s just something that happens in movies. When he was younger, he believed in the one true love, he believed in soul mates. But then life happened and reality caught him.

“Jehan? Are you sure that you are okay?”

He didn’t realize that he hasn’t answered. “I’m fine, don’t worry. See you tomorrow, then. Love you.”

There’s a pause, then Courfeyrac answers:“I love you, too.”

But on the other hand, the feeling that he associates with Courfeyrac is pure happiness. It’s the smell of flowers after a rain shower in spring. It’s the smell of homemade popcorn and evenings full of Netflix and cuddles. It’s sitting at that stupid window seat, reading poems and watching Courfeyrac, who seems to never get tired of that one curl that keeps falling into his face while he’s writing an essay at his laptop. It’s walking through the fields with Luna for hours on end, carried on Courf’s lap when he gets too tired to walk. And he never wants to miss this.

Jehan hears the front door and leaves his room to check on Grantaire. who didn’t stop in the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee, so Jehan knocks at his door.

“Yeah?”

Jehan slides into the room. “Hey. How are you?”

He remembers that they talked in the morning, that he took the scholarship test this morning. All this happened this morning.

“S’allright. How’s the test been?” Grantaire spins on his chair and Jehan notices how tired he looks.

He shrugs. “I guess it was okay. I don’t know. I’m not good at math and there were about three pages with math stuff. How has your day been?”

“No offense but I’m not in a talkative mood. I just want to draw a bit and--” he trails off, gesturing towards his desk.

Jehan takes a step towards him. “Are you okay, R?” The other smiles. It doesn’t change the tired look on his face.

“Sure. I’m just - - tired. That’s all. Don’t worry.”

He doesn’t believe him. Hell, they have been friends for two years, so he knows when something is up -- but he also knows that Grantaire isn’t the kind of person who talks about his problems.

“I’m in my room if you need something.” Grantaire nods and Jehan leaves him alone.

When he comes back into his room, he freezes when he sees his reflection in the mirror that’s hanging next to the door. He frowns, staring at his body. Maybe, when he loses a few pounds, the inevitable loss won’t hurt so much. When he focuses on food and his weight again (it’s not like he hasn’t been focused on it, but not entirely) and doesn’t think too much about Courfeyrac and his feelings and a future.

Maybe R will be happy again.

It’s probably his fault that his friend isn’t feeling that good. He isn’t a good friend, all he does is whine about money and - - The realization hits Jehan hard: he will be leaving R alone. He will move on with his life, go to uni, while R is stuck in his crappy job. He’s such a bad friend.

When he goes to sleep that night, he has a plan.


	19. A Midsummer Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They celebrate their four month anniversary and Courfeyrac asks him a big question...

Courfeyrac picks him up at exactly six o’clock. Jehan is wearing the same suit he’d worn at his graduation day – at first he’s surprised that it still fits, but then he’s disappointed, because it can only mean one thing: He weighs as much as a year ago.

 

“Where are we going?” They are driving into a part of Paris Jehan doesn’t know.

 

“It’s a surprise, Jehan. I’m not going to tell you,” Courfeyrac grins.

 

The atmosphere is relaxed, there is no sign that they had a fight-or-whatever yesterday and when Jehan got into the car, Courfeyrac kissed him and said: “We’re good. Case closed.”

Jehan sighs and stares out of the window. He feels like a five year old on Christmas Eve. Are they going to a restaurant? His heart skips a bit, but then he thinks that Courfeyrac wouldn’t do that to him.

 

Finally, after twenty minutes, Courfeyrac parks the car.

 

“Where are we?” Jehan turns his head, but he doesn’t find any sign that says where they are. 

 

There’s an older building on his right.

 

Courfeyrac just laughs and gets out of the car. There’s the bilious-green cane again.

“Uuuuh…Did someone ever tell you, that bilious green isn’t the best color to go with black suits?” Jehan smirks. Courfeyrac laughs and puts on the leash on Luna.“What’s so funny?”

 

“Nothing,” Courf takes his hand and they start walking, “It’s just –  you  are giving me fashion advice. That’s…funny.”

 

“Is there something you‘d like to tell me?” Jehan suppresses his laughter.

 

“I love you, that’s all.”

 

“Oh, nice try.”

 

“There we are.” They walked towards the building and now Jehan can see a poster.

Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

 

“Oh my god,” he turns to Courfeyrac , beaming. “That’s so amazing! Thank you!”

 

“You’re welcome,” he leans forward to kiss him.

 

~

 

They go to a bar after the play and, surprisingly, it’s no problem at all to take Luna with them.

 

“I’ve been thinking,” Courfeyrac grasps his hand over the table and Jehan freezes inside.

 

Is he going to ask him to marry him?

 

Is that even legal?

 

After a second he remembers that they live in France and it is, in fact, legal for two people who love each other to marry each other.

 

He waits for Courfeyrac to continue, while his heart pounds anxiously against his chest.

 

They’ve been together for four months; no one would marry after four months.

 

But what would his answer be, if he did?

 

“What is it, Courf?” He asks when the other still doesn’t say anything.

 

“You know, Marius wants to move in with Cosette. It’s about time, I guess. And I thought… Maybe… Do you want to move in with me? When you start at uni – You wouldn’t have to pay as much rent as you do now. To be honest you don’t have to pay any rent, because my parents are paying for it, but I understand when you want to pay a little, for energy and stuff. So what are you saying?”

 

Jehan just stares at him. Moving in together. Giving up his personal space. Leaving Grantaire alone. There are more reasons not to do it than to do it. But on the other hand…

 

“You know,” Courfeyrac adds, “We don’t spent much time together and I guess it’s going to be worse when you are also a student and I just thought…” He smiles weakly and Jehan knows that he must show a reaction or he’s going to hurt him.

 

“That’s a big decision,” he starts, squeezing his hand, “I don’t want to decide it right now. Give me some time to think about it, okay?”

 

Courfeyrac nods. “Of course. It’s just an idea. It’s totally okay if don’t want to. It’s probably too early for this step and –“

 

“Ssshh,” Jehan interrupts. “I’m going to think about it. And now, let’s talk about something else, all right?”

 

Courfeyrac bites his lip and nods. “Sure.”

 

~

 

“Everything hurts,” Courfeyrac whines, collapsing onto his bed, fully clothed. It’s one am. They actually managed to talk about something else without ruining the mood.

 

“I’m gonna die,” he mumbles into the pillow and turns his head to look at Jehan, face only half buried. He manages a crooked smile. Jehan lies down next to him, grasping his hand.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Just a bit much – walking and stuff,” he turns over on his back, grimacing.

 

“Why did you take the cane?”

 

Courfeyrac shrugs. “It’s easier. We don’t have to look for wheelchair accessible seating. I mean – I know that it is a huge privilege that I can basically choose and make these things easier this way. But at the end of the day… It’s still exhausting as fuck to walk,” he groans and looks at Jehan. “I must seem like--“ but before he can finish the sentence, Jehan hushes him.

 

“You seem like someone who is experiencing pain. That’s all. Can I do something for you?” He remembers the pain killers in Courfeyrac’s cupboard.

 

“When I lived at home, I used to take hot baths but I don’t have a bathtub here…”

 

“We could take a hot shower.”

 

Courfeyrac grins at him, wiggling his eyebrows and Jehan needs a second until he realizes what he said.

 

“I didn’t mean it like—” he starts to say before he’s cut off by Courfeyrac laughter.

 

“I know. I wouldn’t be in the physical condition anyway,” he’s still laughing and Jehan can’t help but roll his eyes because  come on  it’s not that funny.

 

“You didn’t answer my question. Is there something I can do for you?”

 

“You know that laughing is a very good pain killer? So you already helped me. I’m just gonna get some actual pain killers from the kitchen,” he says as he sits up.

 

“I can get them.”

 

“You’re not my assistant, Jehan. I can get them myself,” says Courfeyrac in a way too serious voice and Jehan feels a sting in his stomach, he didn’t mean it like that.

 

When he comes back and sits down again he tries to get his shoes off, but in ends in a frustrated groan. Jehan gets up, builds up in front of him and pushes him, so he lies on his back. 

 

“What the –“

 

“Hush. I’m going to strip you down,” he says in the most alluring voice he can manage. Waiting for a sign that it is okay to continue, he blinks at Courfeyrac.

 

Courfeyrac runs one hand over his face and begins to laugh again. “Yeah, seduce me.” His speech is a bit slurred.

 

While Jehan gets his shoes off and opens his braces, he doesn’t stop laughing and eventually he says, breathless: “Did I mention that I love you? Like, this situation could be so awkward, but… Yeah. It isn’t.”

  
Jehan just smiles.

 

“And now?” Jehan climbs back to bed and looks at Courf, who is still wearing his boxers and an old shirt from Jehan (one that doesn’t fit Jehan at all, otherwise it wouldn’t fit him) in which he uses to sleep.

 

“Come here,” Courfeyrac lifts his arm and Jehan moves over into his arms, “Now we’re just gonna wait until the painkillers kick in and sleep.”

 

 


	20. The silent treatment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something has changed. It’s been two weeks since the evening at the theater and Courfeyrac’s offer and they haven’t talked about it yet. Maybe it’s because of that.
> 
>  
> 
> Jehan is scared. He doesn’t know if he wants to move in with him. He needs his personal space, a room where he can be on his own. He doesn’t want to leave Grantaire alone. But he hasn’t talked to him either because he doesn’t want to upset him. He doesn’t want to leave him.
> 
> And university starts in a month. He still hasn’t heard anything because of the scholarship, but he talked to Combeferre and he could continue to work at the book shop – even if that’s going to be stressful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your support - every kudos makes me smile! :)

Something has changed. It’s been two weeks since the evening at the theater and Courfeyrac’s offer and they haven’t talked about it yet. Maybe it’s because of that.

 

Jehan is scared. He doesn’t know if he wants to move in with him. He needs his personal space, a room where he can be on his own. He doesn’t want to leave Grantaire alone. But he hasn’t talked to him either because he doesn’t want to upset him. He doesn’t want to leave him.

And university starts in a month. He still hasn’t heard anything because of the scholarship, but he talked to Combeferre and he could continue to work at the book shop – even if that’s going to be stressful.

 

There a many things he has to think about and he doesn’t dare to talk to Courfeyrac about his offer – what if he loses him? And that’s why he hasn’t answered his calls or texts in the last three days. He’s scared.

 

Jehan is sitting at the kitchen table, playing with a fork, a bowl of strawberries in front of him. His plan is going pretty well, he keeps losing weight.

 

When he stops playing with the fork and starts eating, his phone buzzes.  Courf is calling  Again. He puts the bowl back in the fridge instead of answering the call – his stomach is tied in knots. When he turns around he looks at the clock, noticing he has to be at work in an hour. Courfeyrac hasn’t been there for about a week and Jehan wonders when he’ll turn up. His phone buzzes again and he frowns when he looks at it.  Unknown number is calling, it says .  For a second he wonders if it’s Courf, but then he picks up anyway.

 

“I beg you, don’t hang up. Let me talk. Or better: Come outside. I’m in the parking lot. Please, Jehan.”

 

Jehan closes his eyes. It’s Courfeyrac, of course. “I –,” he pauses. He can’t say that he doesn’t want to talk to him. It’s not true. He misses him. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

 

“This is about me talking about moving in with you, right?” Courfeyrac asks as soon as he sees Jehan. He’s leaning against the car, playing with the wristband Jehan gave him a month ago. He only does that when he’s anxious. Jehan feels a sting in his stomach.

 

“Let’s get into the car. I don’t want the neighbors to hear anything,” he says instead of answering the question.

 

When they are inside and the doors are closed he answers. “Yes, it is.”

 

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. It was just an idea. I get that four months isn’t much time. And I totally get if you don’t want to. But you have to talk to me. Jehan, I’ve been worried as hell because you didn’t show any sign that you’re, well, alive. And R didn’t answer either.” Courfeyrac's voice is quiet and calm, but Jehan can hear how hurt he is.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I just – I don’t want you to be mad at me.” He finally dares to look at Courfeyrac whose face softens instantly.

 

“I’m not mad at you, darling. You can tell me what you think without pissing me off. You are allowed to have your own feelings. That’s how a relationship works, you know? So … Tell me what you think.”

 

“Actually, I do want to move in with you. But there a few things I’m not sure about. I need time on my own and I can’t be with you all day the whole week. That wouldn’t be good for me and not for you,” Jehan’s voice trembles. What if he’s going to be mad?

 

Courfeyrac looks out of the window, biting his lip. Then he turns his head to look at Jehan. “I get that. That’s totally okay, but, I mean we’re both at uni all day and we won’t be around that much. But if it makes you more comfortable, we could look for a flat with two bedrooms, so you can have one to – I don’t know, to write and stuff and be on your own.”

 

Jehan smiles shyly. “I didn’t know that we were looking for a new flat.”

 

Courfeyrac raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Oh I thought that’d be obvious. My ‘kitchen-and-living-room-in-one’ flat is a bit small, I think. And since my parents love you I don’t think that’ll be a problem for them to pay rent for another flat. Though it’s a bit rough to find wheelchair accessible flats -- but that’s not the hot topic here.”

 

“Okay, but there’s another thing.” Jehan hadn’t noticed that Courf took his hand, but he feels much better because of it. “I don’t want to leave Grantaire. He’s … not in the best condition right now and I don’t him to be on his own.”

 

“Okay.” There’s silence again, then Courfeyrac speaks again. “Feuilly is looking for a new flat mate. I don’t know, but I think they like each other. I mean, you could at least ask R if he would consider it. But I don’t want to force you to leave him alone. It’s just an idea.”

 

“I really want to live with you.” Jehan smiles -- properly this time, “I want to wake up every morning next to you. I don’t want to pack this stupid backpack every time I leave. And I’m going to talk to Grantaire about it.”

 

“Great. So everything’s fine, now?”

 

“I think so, yes.”

 

“Please don’t give me that silent treatment ever again.”

 

Jehan leans forward, so their foreheads touch. “I won’t. I’m sorry.”

 

“By the way, you coming to the meeting tonight? It’s some important stuff,” Courfeyrac asks when they break apart again.

 

“Uh, yes, I think so,” he looks at his watch and flinches. “Shit. I have to be at work in ten minutes.” He’s about to open the door, but Courfeyrac shakes his head.

  
“I’m gonna give you a ride.”


	21. People Are People Regardless Of Gender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He does worry though, because when Grantaire prefers to stay at home instead of arguing with Enjolras about politics and making sarcastic comments, there must be something really, really wrong.

“I have some news by the way,” Courfeyrac came to pick them up, and now he, Jehan and Combeferre are on their way to the café. “That big game with the coach from the national team, you remember? They rescheduled it, it’s next week.”

 

“But that’s bad, right? You have less time to prepare then.”

 

“Yeah, but I’m actually kind of glad. I mean, I love rugby and everything but I’m not even sure if I wanted to be on the national team. It would take a lot more effort and I have to keep my grades up and I think the time is over when I wanted to be at the Paralympics no matter what.”

 

“It would be a great opportunity, though. Just think about the countries you would travel to,” Combeferre interjects, but then adds: “But I get what you mean. You’re getting old, you have other priorities now. Domesticity and stuff.”

 

“Yeah that’s  totally  what I meant.”

 

They are late; the other members of the ABC are already there, as well as a few faces Jehan has never seen before. “By the way, is Grantaire coming?” Courfeyrac asks while they stand at the bar to get some drinks.

 

“I texted him, but he said he’s gonna stay at home. He’s not feeling that well. Work was stressful, I guess,” Jehan tries to smile, because it’s not going to help anyone if Courfeyrac knows how worried he is. “What’s going on here?,” he adds, pointing at the tables that have been moved together. Usually everyone sits wherever they like, mostly on the sofas, but today everyone’s sitting at these tables.

 

“Like I said, it’s important. It’s about gender-neutral toilets at the university and we need a plan, because our first plan went to shit. But Enjolras is going to explain everything in detail. Let’s get over there.”

 

After they sat down next to Feuilly and Bahorel, the door is opening again and Marius, hand in hand with a blonde woman, comes in.

 

“That’s Cosette. You finally get to meet her,” Courfeyrac tells Jehan before he could even ask. The only one who seems not delighted by Cosette’s presence is Enjolras, who greets her with a short smile and a nod instead of a hug like everyone else.

 

“You must be Jehan,” Cosette beams at him when she reaches him; “Finally I get to meet you!” Jehan beams back at her -- her smile is too infectious not to.

 

“I’ve heard so much about you. Only good things of course,” she says, sitting down next to Courfeyrac.

 

“May I ask you something?” Jehan leans over so he can see her properly.

 

“Sure.” She turns around to face him, but doesn’t let go of Marius’ hand.

 

“Since I haven’t met you here… You're not often here, right?”

 

“No, I’m not actually a member of Les Amis. But since we’re discussing a topic that affects the university where I study, I want to do anything I can to help.”

 

“So – You’re studying?” Jehan tries not to sound to surprised.

 

“Yes,” Cosette laughs, “I’m doing a bachelor's in sports and health science. I only work half-time at the health center.”

 

“I see, all right. Thanks.” He turns to Courfeyrac, who has been talking to Combeferre, who is standing beside him, “You can relax again. We didn’t talk about you.”

 

Courfeyrac gasps. “I didn’t think that you were talking about me. And I didn’t—“

 

“Shut up, I could feel you tense up.” Jehan kisses him so he can’t protest.

 

“All right,” Enjolras stands up and the room goes silent, “I really appreciate that so many of you showed up tonight. We have two important topics we want to talk about. The first one is about gender-neutral bathrooms at the university. We already talked about this a few months ago and in the meantime we did talk to the responsible persons at university. They didn’t agree with our opinion that gender-neutral bathrooms are important and necessary to protect students who don’t feel comfortable with going to either the men’s or the women’s restroom. They told us that it would be a waste of money and the university had far more important issues to think about.”

 

“The thing is,” Courfeyrac continues, and Enjolras sits down again, “It wouldn’t even cost that much money. Let’s take the law building for example. There are four floors and on every floor there are restrooms for men and women. On two floors there are also restrooms that are wheelchair accessible. At the moment, everyone who uses a wheelchair can use these restrooms, no matter their gender. However, you’re only allowed to use these if you’re a wheelchair user. The only thing the university had to do is change the sign at the door from ‘Only for wheelchair users’ to ‘Gender-neutral restroom’ with that little wheelchair thingy on it. That’s all.”

 

“Our plan is now to make a petition to show the university that it is an important issue. And that’s where we need your help…”

 

Jehan zones out while Combeferre is explaining how they plan on spreading the petition. He checks his phone and sends R a text.  Everything ok at home?

 

A few seconds later he already has an answer:  Everythings fine, don’t worry and enjoy yourself

 

He does worry though, because when Grantaire prefers to stay at home instead of arguing with Enjolras about politics and making sarcastic comments, there must be something really, really wrong.

 

“You okay?” Courfeyrac squeezes his hand and Jehan shoves his phone back into his pocket. 

 

He smiles. “Yeah, sure. Just checking on R. He’s fine.”

 

“What’s the matter with Enjolras and Cosette, though?” Jehan asks Courf when there is a break and Cosette and Marius went to get new drinks, “He doesn’t seem to like her.”

 

“He likes her. He thinks that she’s mad at him because he was once mad at Marius for being so lovesick during a meeting. And Enjolras being Enjolras, they never talked about it,” Courfeyrac grins, watching Enjolras, who’s reading some papers.

 

“But he seems to dislike her.”

 

“He doesn’t mean it like that. And Cosette knows that he doesn’t dislike her, trust me. It’s just – It’s Enjolras. That says it all,” Courfeyrac laughs. There is roaring laughter from the other end of the table, where Joly and Musichetta sit. Jehan doesn’t ask any further, instead he watches Joly who is wiping tears of laughter from their eyes, smearing up their eyeliner.

 

“So what are we going to do after this?” Courf tilts his head and looks at Marius who seems to be in another sphere with Cosette. “I’m sure we are going to be alone tonight.” He turns his head and smirks at Jehan.

 

“What is it Courf? You were looking at me like a dog that is about to get a treat.” Courfeyrac jumps when Cosette addresses him. 

 

“Nah, that would be Luna’s job. Am I right, young lady?” He bends down to pet Luna, who is lying under his chair, half-asleep, just to mutter under his breath to Jehan: “I didn’t know that she is actually in the same room with us and not in some other sphere like Marius.”

 

Jehan just laughs and continues to watch the others in the café.

 

“I’m really glad that I got to meet all of you, did I ever tell you that?” He turns back to Courfeyrac, who is looking at him with a dreamy expression.

 

“No, but I know it,” he kisses him softly, until Bahorel interrupts them. “Yo, stop that gross couple thing, we’ve got some important things to discuss.”


	22. Always there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Courfeyrac asked me to move in with him. At first I said I don’t want to – well, technically I didn’t say anything – because I don’t want to leave you alone. But he said that Feuilly is looking for a flat mate and I’ve got the impression that you guys go along pretty well so you could move in with him and…” Jehan doesn’t look at R while he’s talking and keeps staring at his hands. They are pale and he can see a lot of veins. He stops and takes a deep breath while his thoughts are racing. You abandon him anyway. He’s gonna hate you. “I’d stay with you if you want to. I’d totally understand it if you don’t want me to leave.” His voice is almost cracking as he finally looks up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of drugs, death and suicide

It’s almost noon when Jehan comes home. Courfeyrac made his legendary scrambled eggs for breakfast and he’s going to have skip lunch to make up for it, but it was worth it.

He has to talk to Grantaire about moving out, so he heads to his door after he finished a cup of tea.

 

Grantaire is awake, sitting on his bed, scribbling on a sketch pad.

 

“Hey, are you feeling better?” Jehan sits down at the end of his bed. 

 

Grantaire sighs silently. “I’m all right. How has your evening been?”

 

“It was nice. Um—“ Jehan stares at his hands, looking for the right words. “I have to talk to you about something.”

 

Grantaire frowns and sits up straight. “What’s up? Go ahead.”

 

“Courfeyrac asked me to move in with him. At first I said I don’t want to – well, technically I didn’t say anything – because I don’t want to leave you alone. But he said that Feuilly is looking for a flat mate and I’ve got the impression that you guys go along pretty well so you could move in with him and…” Jehan doesn’t look at R while he’s talking and keeps staring at his hands. They are pale and he can see a lot of veins. He stops and takes a deep breath while his thoughts are racing.  You abandon him anyway. He’s gonna hate you.  “I’d stay with you if you want to. I’d totally understand it if you don’t want me to leave.” His voice is almost cracking as he finally looks up.

 

Grantaire’s face is blank but his voice is steady when he answers. “I don’t want you to stay, Jehan. You have to put yourself first and if you want to live with 

Courfeyrac then that’s fine. I’m getting along, don’t worry about me.”

 

The words don’t match with the expression on his face, but Jehan doesn’t think about it. In this moment he only feels relief that Grantaire doesn’t hate him.

 

“You can be honest with me. You have to.”

 

Grantaire’s mouth is stretching to something that should probably be a smile.

 

“I am. It’s fine. I’m happy for you. You have to move on with your life.”

 

Jehan gets up and pulls his best friend into a hug. At first R is tense, but then he relaxes. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

 

When he gets into his room, Jehan pulls out his phone and texts Courfeyrac.

 

I talked to him. He’s gonna talk to Feuilly. X

 

A few seconds later he receives a answer.

 

Yay! Wanna come over to look for a new flat? :D X

 

~

 

A few days later Grantaire is in a tremendously good mood.

 

“Hey, I booked the dance studio for noon. Wanna come with me?” He swings himself up the countertop and beams at Jehan, who has been reading at the kitchen table.

 

“Are you high or something?” Jehan looks up and grins.

 

“No?! Am I not allowed to be happy?” R is still smiling, but less than before.

 

“Sorry. I’m just surprised because I haven’t seen you this happy for a while. Good day, huh.”

 

“Yeah I guess.” R seems to remember something. He frowns and his smile disappears. “So? Coming with me?”

 

“I’m sorry, I’d love to. But Courfeyrac and me are looking at some flats today. Have fun without me, okay. Maybe do a video?”

 

Grantaire shrugs. “Maybe.” He hops off the countertop and walks towards Jehan to pull him into a hug. “I love you, never forget that, yeah? And I’ll always be here for you.”

 

Jehan frowns. “Are you all right?”

 

“Everything’s fine, Jehan. Please promise me you’ll never forget that.”

 

“I won’t. Why would I?”

 

Grantaire shushes him and holds him for a moment. “Thanks for everything.”

 

“What the hell, R?”

 

“Nothing, I just wanted to tell you that. Gotta say that more often, right?”

 

Jehan smiles. “Yeah. Thank you, too.”

 

Grantaire nods and leaves the room. Jehan looks after him with a smile. His friend hasn’t booked the dance studio in a while -- maybe he’s finally getting better.

 

~

 

Jehan comes home in the evening. They looked at three flats and one of them seems to be perfect. It has, as discussed, two bedrooms and in the bathroom there is a bathtub as well as a shower. But the best thing is the huge balcony, Jehan is already planning which plants he’s going to get.

 

There’s a letter in the letter box and Jehan’s heart jumps when he reads who sent it. It’s about the scholarship. He runs up the stairs and calls for R as soon as he enters the flat. But Grantaire isn’t at home, so he has to deal with his excitement all alone. Feeling a bit dizzy he sits down at a chair and rips the envelope open.

 

“Oh my god,” he whispers and his hands start trembling, “I got it. I fucking got it.” In the next few minutes he calls Courfeyrac, who yells into the phone in joy, causing Luna to bark, as well as Grantaire -- but he only reaches his voicemail, so he leaves an excited message.

 

About an hour later, Jehan still hasn’t calmed down entirely -- but there’s a ring at the door.

 

Jehan freezes, when he sees two police officers. “Are you Jean Prouvaire?”

 

He nods, unable to say a word and lets them in.

 

“You are the emergency contact of Monsieur Grantaire.” They ask him to sit down and Jehan feels nausea rising in his stomach. Something happened to Grantaire. He was finally getting better and now something happened to him.

 

“We found him an hour ago. He jumped in front of a train. We are very sorry.”

 

He’s not sure if he heard it right, he can’t hear anything. Everything seems to be far away. He’s just sitting there and staring and  --

 

He’s dead.

 

Jehan blinks, trying not to throw up, not to cry, not to feel anything.

 

The officers leave, after Jehan somehow managed to give them the contacts of Grantaire’s parents.

 

When the door shuts, Jehan runs into the bathroom and throws up. 

 

And then he starts crying.


	23. You're not alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

_Two months later_

“It’s good to see you, Enjolras.” Jehan pulls the blond man into a hug, after he greets Luna.

“You look good. Better.” Enjolras smiles, but it looks strained and is a contrast to his pale skin and the dark circles under his eyes.

“Let’s go, the others are waiting outside,” Courfeyrac says and they leave the ward for young adults with eating disorders.

A week after the funeral Jehan passed out in the shower. They had to tube feed him in the hospital and after he was strong enough he got admitted to an inpatient program. In the first two weeks he wasn’t allowed to get any visitations but after that Courfeyrac showed up every day, sometimes accompanied by Combeferre or Feuilly. Today’s the first day he’s allowed to leave the ward for a few hours.

The others are waiting in the parking lot and everyone hugs him one by one. Musichetta kisses his forehead with a sad smile.

“We miss you.”

They drive in three separate cars; Jehan is on the back seat of Combeferre’s, leaning against Courfeyrac’s chest. After a few minutes they reach the cemetery.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Courfeyrac squeezes his hand after Combeferre and Enjolras left the car.

“Yes, I am. I haven’t been here since the funeral.”

The grave is not so far away from his mother’s but Jehan tries not to think about it. The first he sees is a bouquet of yellow roses.

“Who did this?” His voice is almost cracking. It should be his job to take care of the grave, to put flowers on it, but he can’t. Someone clears their throat and then Jehan hears Feuilly’s voice. “It was me. I hope it’s okay.”

“It’s wonderful.” He doesn’t turn around to look at him, instead he stares at the numbers. The time span between them is to short.

“Hey… Let’s leave.” He feels Courfeyrac’s hand in his and stops trembling. He didn’t even notice that he started and he doesn’t know how much time passed.

They drive to the café and Jehan remembers his first evening here. How excited he was. And that Enjolras and Grantaire fought for the first time. His heart aches when he thinks about it. So much has changed in a year, he thinks, looking at Courfeyrac who still holds his hand.

He’s going to start university a semester later -- and he’s going to live with Courfeyrac after he finished the inpatient treatment.

“I’m so glad that I know all of you and that I can call you my friends.” He didn’t mean to say it out loud, but he did.

Everyone is looking at him and they smile.

“We’re glad too, honey,” Musichetta runs a hand through his hair that is still dull.

He misses Grantaire so much that he can’t sleep most nights or wakes up in tears.

But he also knows that he’s not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who helped me with this story especially to Suzi.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read this story - I hope you enjoyed it. Feedback is always appreciated.


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